Questions From The Musings Within
2.8.14
I have to do something to dull this pain
This ache that I feel deep inside
I've tried to fuck it out
Starve it
Laugh with it
Or use the ol'
Ignorance is bliss
Envisioning your passionate kiss
Nothing seems to take us from this cycle
I don't want
This
The silence and lies
Promises unfilled
You feel attacked
I just say watch the words that you've spoken
Realize the quantity of your half truths
Pointed fingers are merely lessons
The chance to fess up and disclose
Rid your soul
Grow close with one another
Plant the seeds to blossom
See the rays of the sun
Instead of darkness and rain
Clouding
Forever clouding the bond that we share
You feel it
You cannot deny
The gentle breezes in her fingertips
The stunning lips
Longing to be kissed
Wrapped in your embrace
Look into my eyes
Feel the warmth
Keep me safe
Here
With you
Home
2.8.14
I have to do something to dull this pain
This ache that I feel deep inside
I've tried to fuck it out
Starve it
Laugh with it
Or use the ol'
Ignorance is bliss
Envisioning your passionate kiss
Nothing seems to take us from this cycle
I don't want
This
The silence and lies
Promises unfilled
You feel attacked
I just say watch the words that you've spoken
Realize the quantity of your half truths
Pointed fingers are merely lessons
The chance to fess up and disclose
Rid your soul
Grow close with one another
Plant the seeds to blossom
See the rays of the sun
Instead of darkness and rain
Clouding
Forever clouding the bond that we share
You feel it
You cannot deny
The gentle breezes in her fingertips
The stunning lips
Longing to be kissed
Wrapped in your embrace
Look into my eyes
Feel the warmth
Keep me safe
Here
With you
Home
The Joys of Pumping 7.22.13
I just can't seem to get the hang of this. I need to go out and get some mother's milk tea to see if it will boost my production. I am getting less than an ounce combining both breasts with the left doing most of the work. I feel like a failure. I didn't have the birth that I wanted and now I can't produce enough milk to feed my baby. Worst of all today I was able to pump more than normally and I mistakenly rotate the pump and my precious milk spills all over the bed. Feeling frustrated and angry I tell the hubby and he ignores me as he swaddles the baby. I exclaim with little patience "did you hear what I said" and he looks up at me, appearing not to care and shakes his head yes. I can't even get a response. This action sends me into a tailspin of utter pissed-off-edness and I storm out ranting "every fucking day". I don't understand him lately and every negative action he commits is a dagger to my heart. I'm not happy...with myself, with him, my life...my choices. Fuck!
I just can't seem to get the hang of this. I need to go out and get some mother's milk tea to see if it will boost my production. I am getting less than an ounce combining both breasts with the left doing most of the work. I feel like a failure. I didn't have the birth that I wanted and now I can't produce enough milk to feed my baby. Worst of all today I was able to pump more than normally and I mistakenly rotate the pump and my precious milk spills all over the bed. Feeling frustrated and angry I tell the hubby and he ignores me as he swaddles the baby. I exclaim with little patience "did you hear what I said" and he looks up at me, appearing not to care and shakes his head yes. I can't even get a response. This action sends me into a tailspin of utter pissed-off-edness and I storm out ranting "every fucking day". I don't understand him lately and every negative action he commits is a dagger to my heart. I'm not happy...with myself, with him, my life...my choices. Fuck!
- Make A Home 4.15.13
- Print pics of us and his children
- Put bench against wall
- Put bra, undies & socks in dresser
- Move mirror in corner
- Put blanket away
- Straighten up the guest bedroom
- Stage the house with candles
- Place poster on walls of dining room (green ones), in bedroom (black & red; small postcard),
10.11.12 The Question: Am I Pregnant?
A Fairy Oracle Reading
30
The Laume
Unconditional giving + Unconditional receiving
(reversed)
Ask yourself if you have been giving too much and it is time to stop and attend to your own needs for a bit. Alternatively, ask yourself if you have been refusing the bounty of the universe flowing through the Laume's hands, just because it wasn't in quite the form that you expected or because it was from a different source than you wanted it to come from. Sometimes we put restrictions on our receiving. For example, we may feel the approval and love is without value to us. If so, we need to learn to accept what comes from any source as coming from a loving universe, blessed by the Laume's hands.
33
Fairies of the Future
Be here NOW. Guidance. Moving forward
These are the fairies of a bright future and an essential companions on any journey. When these fairies appear, it is time to consider where we have been and where we wish to go. There are many opportunities, many potentials, but we must choose a path and then take realistic, practical steps to bring the desired future into being. This is not a time to wait for things to come to us, but to step forward boldly to meet them. We may do this alone, if we wish, or in the company of those who share our goals and dreams.
Fairies of the Future
Be here NOW. Guidance. Moving forward
These are the fairies of a bright future and an essential companions on any journey. When these fairies appear, it is time to consider where we have been and where we wish to go. There are many opportunities, many potentials, but we must choose a path and then take realistic, practical steps to bring the desired future into being. This is not a time to wait for things to come to us, but to step forward boldly to meet them. We may do this alone, if we wish, or in the company of those who share our goals and dreams.
I'm scared...
38
Laiste
Moon's Daughter
Light cast in shadows. Spiritual guidance. Illumination. Riddles
You may be finding apparently random events and ideas are falling into a pattern and beginning to make sense to you. Things may be flowing more easily than you are accustomed to, and your decisions and choices may be bringing an unusually high degree of success. Psychic abilities- hunches, intuitions, foreknowing- are becoming clearer and making more sense. Trust the process. Laiste also brings psychic dreams, forelighting the future and illumining the present. These dreams often speak in symbols, as fairies wont to do.
Laiste
Moon's Daughter
Light cast in shadows. Spiritual guidance. Illumination. Riddles
You may be finding apparently random events and ideas are falling into a pattern and beginning to make sense to you. Things may be flowing more easily than you are accustomed to, and your decisions and choices may be bringing an unusually high degree of success. Psychic abilities- hunches, intuitions, foreknowing- are becoming clearer and making more sense. Trust the process. Laiste also brings psychic dreams, forelighting the future and illumining the present. These dreams often speak in symbols, as fairies wont to do.
Suicide or Fatal Accident
9.3.12
Been thinking a lot about death and dying. I feel such a peace with the idea of moving on and being done with this life.
9.3.12
Been thinking a lot about death and dying. I feel such a peace with the idea of moving on and being done with this life.
8.17.12
MAP FUN
Blow up a DC/MD/VA map
Close your eyes
Spin around and point
...open them to see what you are going to explore today
In the book
Either draw out the map or print out a unique one then make little paper tags with the date you went there and something learned from the experience, sew them onto the page and voilà.
MAP FUN
Blow up a DC/MD/VA map
Close your eyes
Spin around and point
...open them to see what you are going to explore today
In the book
Either draw out the map or print out a unique one then make little paper tags with the date you went there and something learned from the experience, sew them onto the page and voilà.
LAYOUT
8.10.12
VIDI VICI VENI
I SAW I CONQUERED I CAME
The 1st book would be about my experiences in New York & leaving for Hawaii. It would be written 2nd since I already have all of the notes.
The 2nd would focus on my marriage, living in England and joining the military. It would have to remain classified for the next 5 years which could be a nice buildup between I CAME and I SAW coming out.
I CAME which I am writing now will be the 3rd but will come out 1st making the sequence 312....
3...1...2...I remember telling him, while we were looking at houses, that those very same numbers symbolized the 2 of us coming together as 1 and 3 being my favorite number...this is creepy because when I just glanced at the time it said 12:53...
...I look at the numbers on this page and realize the only ones written in number form are all the same...3...1...2...and 5...
*a tear rolls down my cheek
Did I just freak myself out or am I following my destiny
8.10.12
VIDI VICI VENI
I SAW I CONQUERED I CAME
The 1st book would be about my experiences in New York & leaving for Hawaii. It would be written 2nd since I already have all of the notes.
The 2nd would focus on my marriage, living in England and joining the military. It would have to remain classified for the next 5 years which could be a nice buildup between I CAME and I SAW coming out.
I CAME which I am writing now will be the 3rd but will come out 1st making the sequence 312....
3...1...2...I remember telling him, while we were looking at houses, that those very same numbers symbolized the 2 of us coming together as 1 and 3 being my favorite number...this is creepy because when I just glanced at the time it said 12:53...
...I look at the numbers on this page and realize the only ones written in number form are all the same...3...1...2...and 5...
*a tear rolls down my cheek
Did I just freak myself out or am I following my destiny
Maybe...You & I Are Gonna Live Forever 8.9.12
24/7
8.8.12
Everbridge yesterday & today
I wake up to a code black + thunder
8.8.12
Everbridge yesterday & today
I wake up to a code black + thunder
Groundhog Day
8.8.12
I have tried to watch this movie so many times
Having a bed and breakfast at any home I buy where it's $40 a night and $100 for the weekend, room service, having music they enjoy played at the touch of a button, providing a writers retreat with tablets.
Find out prior to guests arrival their music choice, type of retreat requested (romantic, writers retreat, experience something new, wanting to be heard), services available (readings, tea, weight loss, hiking, finding out your passion, creativity, gardening, movie madness)
Special Touches
Hand made items
Beautiful rooms
THC meals
Fresh baked cookies, scones, healthy items
To stay or to go, freshly prepared
Romantic tented evenings in the backyard with pillows and candles
8.8.12
I have tried to watch this movie so many times
Having a bed and breakfast at any home I buy where it's $40 a night and $100 for the weekend, room service, having music they enjoy played at the touch of a button, providing a writers retreat with tablets.
Find out prior to guests arrival their music choice, type of retreat requested (romantic, writers retreat, experience something new, wanting to be heard), services available (readings, tea, weight loss, hiking, finding out your passion, creativity, gardening, movie madness)
Special Touches
Hand made items
Beautiful rooms
THC meals
Fresh baked cookies, scones, healthy items
To stay or to go, freshly prepared
Romantic tented evenings in the backyard with pillows and candles
Ideas & Deployment 8.8.12
Discuss love of Whole Foods
Passion for Google
Growing up in New York City
Relearn french and discuss en français.
Why my dream job would involve stacking shelves in a grocery store
Pet Peeves
Saying supposably
Replying to "do you mind" with a yes, when you really mean that you don't
Anything over 100% enough with the 110/150 combo
-Why not a million or infinity
The action in movies going too fast to tell what's really happening
Curiosities
Creativity
The enchanted rose with the petals of love
Pocket feathers, the new mystique
This deployment has changed me. I'm ok being alone, not needing the support of many but a very small number of close confidants which is growing smaller daily. Nothing traumatic happened...I was scared to think about the idea of "going off to war" but led by my commitment and duty.
Joining during a war I expected & wanted to deploy but never realized how hard it was to be so isolated --'
Discuss love of Whole Foods
Passion for Google
Growing up in New York City
Relearn french and discuss en français.
Why my dream job would involve stacking shelves in a grocery store
Pet Peeves
Saying supposably
Replying to "do you mind" with a yes, when you really mean that you don't
Anything over 100% enough with the 110/150 combo
-Why not a million or infinity
The action in movies going too fast to tell what's really happening
Curiosities
Creativity
The enchanted rose with the petals of love
Pocket feathers, the new mystique
This deployment has changed me. I'm ok being alone, not needing the support of many but a very small number of close confidants which is growing smaller daily. Nothing traumatic happened...I was scared to think about the idea of "going off to war" but led by my commitment and duty.
Joining during a war I expected & wanted to deploy but never realized how hard it was to be so isolated --'
8.7.12 The Night After the Argument
Been so busy all day feeling creative and researching how to make a book, an interactive app as well as various programs to use in order to write a book on my tablet. I have analyzed my behavior all day through watching the relationships featured on Keeping up with the Kardashians and the fundamental route which led me on the wrong path forcing me to conclude that no matter what I shouldn't have reacted the way that I did.
As soon as I realized this I immediately texted him.
Been so busy all day feeling creative and researching how to make a book, an interactive app as well as various programs to use in order to write a book on my tablet. I have analyzed my behavior all day through watching the relationships featured on Keeping up with the Kardashians and the fundamental route which led me on the wrong path forcing me to conclude that no matter what I shouldn't have reacted the way that I did.
As soon as I realized this I immediately texted him.
Wow...can't say I'm surprised...but I'm still hurt since I take him back every single time he does anything but I can't expect a leopard to change it's spots or him to not automatically embrace walking away. I have felt different about him for sometime but not been able to pinpoint exactly what it was that had me not wanting to be...idk the me that he remembers.
Love is such a gamble. I bet everything I had and now I feel a bit empty and lost. I'm finding the answers but too late, I'm loving but overly unconditional and I can't seem to get in sync with anyone or anything.
My life is at a crossroads being newly divorced, in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for 11 months and ets'ing from the Army within a year. Shit is crazy but I am excited about what is approaching...a fresh start and a new life.
Daily enema 2332-0110; with 1 bag taken in
Love is such a gamble. I bet everything I had and now I feel a bit empty and lost. I'm finding the answers but too late, I'm loving but overly unconditional and I can't seem to get in sync with anyone or anything.
My life is at a crossroads being newly divorced, in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for 11 months and ets'ing from the Army within a year. Shit is crazy but I am excited about what is approaching...a fresh start and a new life.
Daily enema 2332-0110; with 1 bag taken in
How To Quit Smoking
8.7.12
I really want a cigarette right now...
Wondering if I should just go to the store and buy some
Addiction is a bitch
It has been almost 2 years since I quit and although I haven't cheated I think about it often...especially now
8.7.12
I really want a cigarette right now...
Wondering if I should just go to the store and buy some
Addiction is a bitch
It has been almost 2 years since I quit and although I haven't cheated I think about it often...especially now
Phenomenon
8.7.12
I don't know what led me to immediately switch to this particular movie but I remember the way it made me feel...alive, caring, compassionate, understanding and most of all loving.
I don't really remember the details of it at all but watching it now and I do love the opening... the beautiful trees sparkling in the sunlight and him talking to his dog, the way I do holding a perfectly normal conversation because I know they understand. I love dogs.
Everyone was Georges friend until he said he "saw something and it knocked him off his feet"...they stopped believing in his truth in spite of him being their friend. What is it these days; people have Facebook friends and then it becomes the main way to converse. There's no personalization left
I often have dreams where I can fly and float. When I wake up it doesn't feel strange and unusual but more like a memory, familiar and uncomplicated.
I don't want to become Keyra Sedgwick...hard and cold, closed off and guarded.
"We don't need to worry about when he's going to leave...is he going to leave...uh huh...we don't need that."
I find myself drifting more towards feeling that way. How do you plan a life with someone if everyone always leaves...how can you not stay guarded if you've felt broken and lost each time it occurred.
"I just met an angel from Portugal"
He called me his angel. I miss that. I miss him.
This movie just makes me well up great, big, fat tears that make my vision dreamy. It's not that I start thinking sad thoughts, this movie just touches my soul deeply. Sometimes I feel like him...different, able to feel the vibrations in the earth, driven to a greater purpose.
"That's really dumb and it's really mean. Can't they just look in his eyes and see who he is? Can't you? You remember when daddy left...how people treated us differently...even our so called friends...? Remember how much it hurt? You don't do that to people."
"Are you running away again?
Are you coming back?
I hope so."
"For a man who's never been a father I sure feel like I'm losing a son"...that line caused some fatties to stream down my face to my chest.
8.7.12
I don't know what led me to immediately switch to this particular movie but I remember the way it made me feel...alive, caring, compassionate, understanding and most of all loving.
I don't really remember the details of it at all but watching it now and I do love the opening... the beautiful trees sparkling in the sunlight and him talking to his dog, the way I do holding a perfectly normal conversation because I know they understand. I love dogs.
Everyone was Georges friend until he said he "saw something and it knocked him off his feet"...they stopped believing in his truth in spite of him being their friend. What is it these days; people have Facebook friends and then it becomes the main way to converse. There's no personalization left
I often have dreams where I can fly and float. When I wake up it doesn't feel strange and unusual but more like a memory, familiar and uncomplicated.
I don't want to become Keyra Sedgwick...hard and cold, closed off and guarded.
"We don't need to worry about when he's going to leave...is he going to leave...uh huh...we don't need that."
I find myself drifting more towards feeling that way. How do you plan a life with someone if everyone always leaves...how can you not stay guarded if you've felt broken and lost each time it occurred.
"I just met an angel from Portugal"
He called me his angel. I miss that. I miss him.
This movie just makes me well up great, big, fat tears that make my vision dreamy. It's not that I start thinking sad thoughts, this movie just touches my soul deeply. Sometimes I feel like him...different, able to feel the vibrations in the earth, driven to a greater purpose.
"That's really dumb and it's really mean. Can't they just look in his eyes and see who he is? Can't you? You remember when daddy left...how people treated us differently...even our so called friends...? Remember how much it hurt? You don't do that to people."
"Are you running away again?
Are you coming back?
I hope so."
"For a man who's never been a father I sure feel like I'm losing a son"...that line caused some fatties to stream down my face to my chest.
LESSONS FROM ANOTHER ERA
8.7.12
Watching Michael J. Fox movies and I gotta say I miss him...the teeny pop culture go to guy from my childhood always teaching me how to choose the positive path and stay convicted to your dreams and aspirations.
For Love or Money
Reminds me of growing up in New York and going to school around the area of the hotel. The Pan Am era and women stepping out to earn their place. Fierce, beautiful strong, independent women who decided they were taking over. Customer service just isn't what it used to be...people used to really care about what it was that you as the customer needed. They understood that rewards would come in all of the little things done to help...with the added reward of falling in love.
...also that persistence is the key. Be convicted to how you feel and let nothing stop you from achieving your ultimate goal while remaining compassionate, hopeful and destined to answer and achieve your calling.
"I value discretion. I didn't get to where I am by letting everybody learn my every move."
Is that where I got it from...?
The love interest in this movie reminds me of Marielle Nahmad, a girl I went to The Fleming School with around this area. Chinese food in cartons...I miss that.
I need to find an art investor. Someone who knows the lay of the land and can bring others to wonder and question who Monique Alexandra Ryan is...
I miss the ability to see the oddest things on the streets of the city and it not feeling weird. You just chalked it up to living in the city.
Thinking about my goals and aspirations "I have to make this a reality."
He doesn't understand why people need to go away to think...and neither do I. I guess it may be like the way I need to retreat into myself.
Negotiations, Roy Rogers cheeseburgers, getting whatever you wanted at anytime of day or night, Erika's house, Grey's Papaya's...I can practically smell my childhood.
8.7.12
Watching Michael J. Fox movies and I gotta say I miss him...the teeny pop culture go to guy from my childhood always teaching me how to choose the positive path and stay convicted to your dreams and aspirations.
For Love or Money
Reminds me of growing up in New York and going to school around the area of the hotel. The Pan Am era and women stepping out to earn their place. Fierce, beautiful strong, independent women who decided they were taking over. Customer service just isn't what it used to be...people used to really care about what it was that you as the customer needed. They understood that rewards would come in all of the little things done to help...with the added reward of falling in love.
...also that persistence is the key. Be convicted to how you feel and let nothing stop you from achieving your ultimate goal while remaining compassionate, hopeful and destined to answer and achieve your calling.
"I value discretion. I didn't get to where I am by letting everybody learn my every move."
Is that where I got it from...?
The love interest in this movie reminds me of Marielle Nahmad, a girl I went to The Fleming School with around this area. Chinese food in cartons...I miss that.
I need to find an art investor. Someone who knows the lay of the land and can bring others to wonder and question who Monique Alexandra Ryan is...
I miss the ability to see the oddest things on the streets of the city and it not feeling weird. You just chalked it up to living in the city.
Thinking about my goals and aspirations "I have to make this a reality."
He doesn't understand why people need to go away to think...and neither do I. I guess it may be like the way I need to retreat into myself.
Negotiations, Roy Rogers cheeseburgers, getting whatever you wanted at anytime of day or night, Erika's house, Grey's Papaya's...I can practically smell my childhood.
PSYCHOTIC WALL PAINTINGS
8.6.12
In the book I'd want one side with the picture being drawn
As the person is reading the words being written on the other page
8.6.12
In the book I'd want one side with the picture being drawn
As the person is reading the words being written on the other page
Digital Media Organization
8.6.12
I take so many pictures but just upload them with the date.
When I need to find a particular shot I have to try & remember when it may have occurred & go through the folder to find it.
Oh Well...
8.6.12
I take so many pictures but just upload them with the date.
When I need to find a particular shot I have to try & remember when it may have occurred & go through the folder to find it.
Oh Well...
...belle amore no no more
