ALOHA I Have ARRIVED
Happy Birthday Kat! 8.30.99
(Hope she's having fun 'cause I am)
Laying by the pool at the hotel. Can I tell you this place is AMAZING. I'm so happy I'm here. Bought a dress, guy ripped me off but I don't care. Leave your worries behind...I'm in paradise. (Enclosed is a piece of the lei I got when I first got to Hawaii...awww) High right now found some old weed I had. Hawaii is so beautiful. I feel great. I'm so glad I'm here. I mean I really am and it feels W O N D E R F U L! Just smelled my towel and it made me think of home. I miss it just a little. It rains off and on a lot (just a drizzle + unexpected) but it's worth it; the rainbows.
(Hope she's having fun 'cause I am)
Laying by the pool at the hotel. Can I tell you this place is AMAZING. I'm so happy I'm here. Bought a dress, guy ripped me off but I don't care. Leave your worries behind...I'm in paradise. (Enclosed is a piece of the lei I got when I first got to Hawaii...awww) High right now found some old weed I had. Hawaii is so beautiful. I feel great. I'm so glad I'm here. I mean I really am and it feels W O N D E R F U L! Just smelled my towel and it made me think of home. I miss it just a little. It rains off and on a lot (just a drizzle + unexpected) but it's worth it; the rainbows.
8.31.99
Sitting about to take a placement tests. It's early but in the city it's 1:30
- How weird is that??
I'm sooooo tired and bored. This sucks! I haven't met anyone new but then again I haven't tried to. Urgh! Feeling frustrated and tired and lonely. A little hungry I haven't eaten since...Well I don't know but it was in N.Y. and I think it was when I ordered Chinese or maybe it was the pizza I ate w/ Lucie. Yeah, it was the pizza...
No!
It was the dinner Mother made me on my last day
9/1/99
Pen just ran out but...oh, well. Way too high right now so bear w/ me. Soooooo hard to find an apartment here. Annoying searching and I keep snapping at Mother, even though I shouldn't. I should apologize...maybe (switching pens) it's just b/c I'm well done! Hope I get those apartments. I need them..
9/2/99
Guess what?? I HAVE A PLACE!! YEAH 😃!
On the bus right now on my way to orientation.
Please God do not let me flip out on all of these people.
I'm beginning to hate how I'm not on any lists.
THIS SHIT SUCKS!
I pre registered, I paid for camp and guess what???
My name is nowhere to be found.
Surprise, Surprise!
I think I want to go home
-seriously!
Sitting about to take a placement tests. It's early but in the city it's 1:30
- How weird is that??
I'm sooooo tired and bored. This sucks! I haven't met anyone new but then again I haven't tried to. Urgh! Feeling frustrated and tired and lonely. A little hungry I haven't eaten since...Well I don't know but it was in N.Y. and I think it was when I ordered Chinese or maybe it was the pizza I ate w/ Lucie. Yeah, it was the pizza...
No!
It was the dinner Mother made me on my last day
9/1/99
Pen just ran out but...oh, well. Way too high right now so bear w/ me. Soooooo hard to find an apartment here. Annoying searching and I keep snapping at Mother, even though I shouldn't. I should apologize...maybe (switching pens) it's just b/c I'm well done! Hope I get those apartments. I need them..
9/2/99
Guess what?? I HAVE A PLACE!! YEAH 😃!
On the bus right now on my way to orientation.
Please God do not let me flip out on all of these people.
I'm beginning to hate how I'm not on any lists.
THIS SHIT SUCKS!
I pre registered, I paid for camp and guess what???
My name is nowhere to be found.
Surprise, Surprise!
I think I want to go home
-seriously!
At the beach right now...
Wow!
It's simply the best.
The sky is so beautiful and I'm in
Heaven
Wow!
It's simply the best.
The sky is so beautiful and I'm in
Heaven
9.3.99
You survived almost sleeping on the beach (too cold...brrr!), having no friends, seeing your 1st shooting star. All in all I'd say it wasn't that bad. That guy was right about all of the stages
1. Honeymoon - I ♥ this place
2. Hatred - I hate this place & these people
3. Humor - Ha Ha Ha, this place
4. Home - There's no place else I'd ever want to be
Hope I get to the home stage soon b/c I don't think I can take this.
You survived almost sleeping on the beach (too cold...brrr!), having no friends, seeing your 1st shooting star. All in all I'd say it wasn't that bad. That guy was right about all of the stages
1. Honeymoon - I ♥ this place
2. Hatred - I hate this place & these people
3. Humor - Ha Ha Ha, this place
4. Home - There's no place else I'd ever want to be
Hope I get to the home stage soon b/c I don't think I can take this.
9.7.99
Just so you know...your address is:
Honolulu Towers
60 North Beretania Street #703
Honolulu, Hawaii 96817-4755
(808) 528-4856
Get it? Got it...Good!
Talk later
9.9.99
Today is your day...since you are ruled by the #9 anything you want to happen will...wonder where Nick is???
So I did it! I spoke to Nick and managed to give him my address and #. Imagine that. Now it's only a matter of time before I get whatever it is I think I want from him. Saw another cute guy w/ dreads...I'l have to find out who he is too. 2 Swedish girls are staying with us until who knows when...forgot the saying I was about to say. I don't care. I'm smoke free but still suffering from memory loss. By the way when am I going to smoke...I hope it's soon. (Nick doesn't smoke, oh well, I'll see how that works)
9.11.99
Guess who and what I got?? Nick and weed. Hawaiian weed is the shit! I really love how I keep being surprised seeing him. I only hope I didn't act too weird when I saw him. He is so- sexy Unhh! He makes me want to fulfill his every fantasy and wish. Weed here is so- expensive spent $25 for $5 worth of weed but you only need a little and let me tell you. This stuff makes me hot! Calm down, relax... Nick better watch out my horoscope said I'm going to be freaky on the 11th. Wonder what I'm going to do...??? Goodnight Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤
Just so you know...your address is:
Honolulu Towers
60 North Beretania Street #703
Honolulu, Hawaii 96817-4755
(808) 528-4856
Get it? Got it...Good!
Talk later
9.9.99
Today is your day...since you are ruled by the #9 anything you want to happen will...wonder where Nick is???
So I did it! I spoke to Nick and managed to give him my address and #. Imagine that. Now it's only a matter of time before I get whatever it is I think I want from him. Saw another cute guy w/ dreads...I'l have to find out who he is too. 2 Swedish girls are staying with us until who knows when...forgot the saying I was about to say. I don't care. I'm smoke free but still suffering from memory loss. By the way when am I going to smoke...I hope it's soon. (Nick doesn't smoke, oh well, I'll see how that works)
9.11.99
Guess who and what I got?? Nick and weed. Hawaiian weed is the shit! I really love how I keep being surprised seeing him. I only hope I didn't act too weird when I saw him. He is so- sexy Unhh! He makes me want to fulfill his every fantasy and wish. Weed here is so- expensive spent $25 for $5 worth of weed but you only need a little and let me tell you. This stuff makes me hot! Calm down, relax... Nick better watch out my horoscope said I'm going to be freaky on the 11th. Wonder what I'm going to do...??? Goodnight Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤ Nick ❤
9.12.99
At the beach...funny how I can say I'm at the beach on a Saturday afternoon...used to be that I had nothing to do yet even when there's nothing to do there's still something to do. Sunset is so beautiful the sky really comes alive and did I tell you about the waves. Gotta do something tonight...just gotta! And I will!
9.13.99
😞 HELP ME...PLEASE!
Don't know how to express how shitty I'm feeling. Called Crystal...she tried but I still feel...I don't know low. This must be another test to see what I'm made of. Today I am crying. What am I going to do. I feel awful and being alone is tearing me up inside. Worried about Mother...worried about myself too. I'm all alone w/ no one to comfort me.
9.15.99 NYC Time
So I don't think I like Nick anymore. Party was alright met some people but everyday I have to make a new friend. Okay, okay! Think I'm developing feelings-wooo-for Jacob-maybe not but I think I might put the moves on him. Watch O 👀 U 👀 T!
At the beach...funny how I can say I'm at the beach on a Saturday afternoon...used to be that I had nothing to do yet even when there's nothing to do there's still something to do. Sunset is so beautiful the sky really comes alive and did I tell you about the waves. Gotta do something tonight...just gotta! And I will!
9.13.99
😞 HELP ME...PLEASE!
Don't know how to express how shitty I'm feeling. Called Crystal...she tried but I still feel...I don't know low. This must be another test to see what I'm made of. Today I am crying. What am I going to do. I feel awful and being alone is tearing me up inside. Worried about Mother...worried about myself too. I'm all alone w/ no one to comfort me.
9.15.99 NYC Time
So I don't think I like Nick anymore. Party was alright met some people but everyday I have to make a new friend. Okay, okay! Think I'm developing feelings-wooo-for Jacob-maybe not but I think I might put the moves on him. Watch O 👀 U 👀 T!
9.16.99
Did you take a look at this? |
Who knew..?
Maybe I need to ⬆ my kinky notch Oohhh! Had a wonderful breakthrough- I am artistic through my clothing. The way I can put an entire outfit together. I love my art class. I'm so glad I'm taking it! Maybe...I SHOULD BE AN ARTIST! 😁 Makes me feel alive just thinking about it. Could fall in ❤ w/ the teacher b/c of his art intelligence. Wanted to say something else but I can't remember...Hawaiian weed! |
Watch says 9-16-99 but it's the next day and I'm sitting outside finally reading The Iliad by Homer and really understanding it. Maybe it's b/c I'm high. So...the reason why I'm writing...
Yeah, if Hawaii had animals (certain ones) already on this island
How did they get here?
(before the... we... came)
If they were always here then wouldn't that mean that certain people originated here...this was their land...
Something to think about
Ok, back to The Iliad, can't believe I understand it.
2nd class of the day
Watching or I guess I should be watching a video...
Boring
I have such a short attention span esp. if I don't feel like focusing
So what have you learned...
Sitting on wet grass even when sitting on something still makes your butt wet
You don't need to rush art...just let it flow You're not in competition w/ anyone and taking your time will produce better art
Well think about this one...
Why are you always late for art class? Even when you plan ahead??
Ponder that & get back 2 me
NEED TO FORGE AHEAD & GET OUT THERE & MEET PEOPLE!
9.20.99
Well...hello!
You met people, you're circulating
everything is everything what is meant to be will be
Yeah, if Hawaii had animals (certain ones) already on this island
How did they get here?
(before the... we... came)
If they were always here then wouldn't that mean that certain people originated here...this was their land...
Something to think about
Ok, back to The Iliad, can't believe I understand it.
2nd class of the day
Watching or I guess I should be watching a video...
Boring
I have such a short attention span esp. if I don't feel like focusing
So what have you learned...
Sitting on wet grass even when sitting on something still makes your butt wet
You don't need to rush art...just let it flow You're not in competition w/ anyone and taking your time will produce better art
Well think about this one...
Why are you always late for art class? Even when you plan ahead??
Ponder that & get back 2 me
NEED TO FORGE AHEAD & GET OUT THERE & MEET PEOPLE!
9.20.99
Well...hello!
You met people, you're circulating
everything is everything what is meant to be will be
Got invited to a party by Fernando & Nick (⬅ not sure if I still like him; basically...whatever) It's his 21st B-day Awwww! How cute! I'll be 19...That's still good. You'll be...it'll be the last of your teen years and to think you were so happy just being a pre-teen. Wow, kid...you're getting older (and wiser)
The teacher called us adults and I was about to argue w/ him on my still being a kid and then I had to stop myself b/c technically I am. Starting Private Ryan talk later.
The teacher called us adults and I was about to argue w/ him on my still being a kid and then I had to stop myself b/c technically I am. Starting Private Ryan talk later.
9.23.99
About to give up on this place. Wish I could find the NY guy for some of his advice...I could really use it. Realize I made a mistake writing on the paper before but whatever. I hope I can last a few more days. Please someone give me S-T-R-E-N-G-T-H
This career skills class sucks! All of this stuff I already know
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I really need to scream...
I have to get out of here before I kill someone and I think I actually will or at least YELL UNTIL I FEEL BETTER!!Found him...Yeah. But I forgot his name already Jean Luc...really don't remember. I think he can keep me sane for a little while
About to give up on this place. Wish I could find the NY guy for some of his advice...I could really use it. Realize I made a mistake writing on the paper before but whatever. I hope I can last a few more days. Please someone give me S-T-R-E-N-G-T-H
This career skills class sucks! All of this stuff I already know
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I really need to scream...
I have to get out of here before I kill someone and I think I actually will or at least YELL UNTIL I FEEL BETTER!!Found him...Yeah. But I forgot his name already Jean Luc...really don't remember. I think he can keep me sane for a little while
M-E-T-H-O-D MAN!
Having a mini party 2morrow- maybe I will have my own ganja party. Need to clean my room and write my autobiography. I need a puppy or a friend desperately. Someone I can talk 2 anytime about anything and they won't judge me for being who I am. I really need to work on my memory. Seriously, you are beginning to forget 2 much 2 soon...2 young. Work on it! Use associations and listen 2 what people say. I really hate when people don't acknowledge me when they know me. Urgh! 😈 How weird...Regulate came on. I remember when I couldn't get enough of that song.
Having a mini party 2morrow- maybe I will have my own ganja party. Need to clean my room and write my autobiography. I need a puppy or a friend desperately. Someone I can talk 2 anytime about anything and they won't judge me for being who I am. I really need to work on my memory. Seriously, you are beginning to forget 2 much 2 soon...2 young. Work on it! Use associations and listen 2 what people say. I really hate when people don't acknowledge me when they know me. Urgh! 😈 How weird...Regulate came on. I remember when I couldn't get enough of that song.
Friday Party -23 years old
Waikiki Tusitala St.
Waikiki Lana's #1402
1/2 past 8
Kristen 923-2919
Jan 4-14 France
$772 Airfare + hotel $300 spending $
Waikiki Tusitala St.
Waikiki Lana's #1402
1/2 past 8
Kristen 923-2919
Jan 4-14 France
$772 Airfare + hotel $300 spending $
Good Girl!
|
Just remembered his name is Jonathan!
|
Good Girl!
|
9.29.99
Well hello Fell out of ♥ with Jonathan Seems a bit too (-) for me, too NY but now I like Christian Guess I always did He even has a dog. Awwww! I wonder if he knows the secrets of The Kama Sutra Anyway... made brownies, special brownies and the weed here -what I thought was good before doesn't even compare to what Christian is getting me. Christian... don't want to get too happy -might jinx it. LATER |
P. S. The full moons here are AMAZING! Owwwww! 9.30.99
10.4.99
(3)
Feeling really shitty. I have no one to talk to and I'm all alone even my NY friends aren't here. I don't know what to do and I have a headache from crying but what can you do?
Told Jacob about how I feel about him...
I hate telling someone I hate them but I have to or else I'll tear up my insides.
I hate him so much I can smell it, taste it and see it- that it's scary
How can I survive here another day?
-Without anyone?
I've cried so much since I've been here that I don't know what to do anymore
Help Me...
Please!
...LATER ON...
My life sucks...these are the brakes
(3)
Feeling really shitty. I have no one to talk to and I'm all alone even my NY friends aren't here. I don't know what to do and I have a headache from crying but what can you do?
Told Jacob about how I feel about him...
I hate telling someone I hate them but I have to or else I'll tear up my insides.
I hate him so much I can smell it, taste it and see it- that it's scary
How can I survive here another day?
-Without anyone?
I've cried so much since I've been here that I don't know what to do anymore
Help Me...
Please!
...LATER ON...
My life sucks...these are the brakes
I don't even know what to say about myself...
I really ♥ strawberry juice boxes
I wish someone would just talk to me
Writing that now makes me sound miserable
What am I to do?
My body feels weird...
Ouch
I am so fucked up
I really ♥ strawberry juice boxes
I wish someone would just talk to me
Writing that now makes me sound miserable
What am I to do?
My body feels weird...
Ouch
I am so fucked up
10.11.99
So I finally saw Christian 2 day... there's so much I have/want to say to him...I spotted him and was just going 2 walk-on-by
So I finally saw Christian 2 day... there's so much I have/want to say to him...I spotted him and was just going 2 walk-on-by
When he calls my name
(after I passed him)
and procedes to hide when I look back
I definately know that he likes me ♥ Yeah ♥
but I'm scared
Scared of giving too much, saying too much, l♥ving too much
I DON'T KNOW
What 2 do
What if the whole Alfred situation reoccurs
I know I won't be able to handle it
I hate being scared
It FUKING KILZ ME
Ryan's mad at me & doesn't want to talk
Fine
Fuck You!
(hand piercing)
(after I passed him)
and procedes to hide when I look back
I definately know that he likes me ♥ Yeah ♥
but I'm scared
Scared of giving too much, saying too much, l♥ving too much
I DON'T KNOW
What 2 do
What if the whole Alfred situation reoccurs
I know I won't be able to handle it
I hate being scared
It FUKING KILZ ME
Ryan's mad at me & doesn't want to talk
Fine
Fuck You!
(hand piercing)
10.12.99
Sitting in class about 2 take a test
This pretty much reminds me of High School with all of the class clowns
10.22.99
September 4th Christian's Birthday
Virgo!
Explain more later
Sitting in class about 2 take a test
This pretty much reminds me of High School with all of the class clowns
10.22.99
September 4th Christian's Birthday
Virgo!
Explain more later
10.24.99
Everyday gets harder and harder
I realize now I don't want to be alone
I don't have anyone to go to the ER with me
- which I need b/c my eye is fucked up
Nobody has time for me
1 is the loneliest # that you did see
Everyday gets harder and harder
I realize now I don't want to be alone
I don't have anyone to go to the ER with me
- which I need b/c my eye is fucked up
Nobody has time for me
1 is the loneliest # that you did see
All I want is someone to laugh with instead of crying by myself
I want to have adventures again
I want to have adventures again
(After a joint, got too hysterical)
Awww!
I do hope I feel better b/c I can't take all of these breakdowns!
So let's analyze why you hate Jacob and 1/2 of Anna
1. They are always talking in Swedish, whenever I hear them it makes my blood boil
2. Living here is like I don't exist
3. They are always making breakfast and dinner for each other not even attempting to ask me if I want some
4. I REALLY FUCKING HATE JACOB, THE BITCH, b/c he has no respect/regard for me
5. I dont even know what they are using 2 wash with, they ran out @ 2 weeks ago
6. He's always stomping outside my door every fucking day and talks so loud every fucking minute and let's not even get into his laugh which he belts out about 100 times a day
7. When I played music he would just shut it off without even asking me claiming "This is music" while he puts on one of his CD's
Listen, I'm tired of talking about them so basically I just don't ever want to be forgotten when I'm in someones life b/c I'm such a faboulous person and I know they aren't even going to remember I existed.
I'll just be some girl that lived w/ them and it'll be like my 1st experience on my own I am being treated like nobody w/ the 1st "family" I have
WELL FUCK YOU & FUCK THESE SWEEDS B/C IT'S A NEW FUCKING DAWN IT'S A NEW MOTHERFUCKING DAY IT'S A NEW LIFE FOR ME I'M SO- FUCKED UP - WOO-HAH! AND I'M FEELING FREE!
Awww!
I do hope I feel better b/c I can't take all of these breakdowns!
So let's analyze why you hate Jacob and 1/2 of Anna
1. They are always talking in Swedish, whenever I hear them it makes my blood boil
2. Living here is like I don't exist
3. They are always making breakfast and dinner for each other not even attempting to ask me if I want some
4. I REALLY FUCKING HATE JACOB, THE BITCH, b/c he has no respect/regard for me
5. I dont even know what they are using 2 wash with, they ran out @ 2 weeks ago
6. He's always stomping outside my door every fucking day and talks so loud every fucking minute and let's not even get into his laugh which he belts out about 100 times a day
7. When I played music he would just shut it off without even asking me claiming "This is music" while he puts on one of his CD's
Listen, I'm tired of talking about them so basically I just don't ever want to be forgotten when I'm in someones life b/c I'm such a faboulous person and I know they aren't even going to remember I existed.
I'll just be some girl that lived w/ them and it'll be like my 1st experience on my own I am being treated like nobody w/ the 1st "family" I have
WELL FUCK YOU & FUCK THESE SWEEDS B/C IT'S A NEW FUCKING DAWN IT'S A NEW MOTHERFUCKING DAY IT'S A NEW LIFE FOR ME I'M SO- FUCKED UP - WOO-HAH! AND I'M FEELING FREE!
11.5.99
Suicide/On The Ledge
Don't really know what to do 'cause I'm feelin' so blue
Who knew?
Thousands of miles and oceans apart
Could it all just possibly break my heart in two
Oh, I'm feelin' so blue
In a world that's brand new
As I digress and sentence myself to my ultimate death
Will anyone care
Is there anyone even out there?
Get away!
Move on as I pass on
Please don't stare
I'm not even there and you never really even cared
Suicide/On The Ledge
Don't really know what to do 'cause I'm feelin' so blue
Who knew?
Thousands of miles and oceans apart
Could it all just possibly break my heart in two
Oh, I'm feelin' so blue
In a world that's brand new
As I digress and sentence myself to my ultimate death
Will anyone care
Is there anyone even out there?
Get away!
Move on as I pass on
Please don't stare
I'm not even there and you never really even cared
I don't want to die and I don't want to cry but nothing in this world can make me whole and bring me to where I want to be
I've been giving away my heart and soul and I just can't take it anymore
I'm just trying to find someone to make me whole and maybe even complete my soul
This world is almost an empty bowl with hungry scavengers wanting more
Well you know what?
Get the FUCK away from my door!
I've been giving away my heart and soul and I just can't take it anymore
I'm just trying to find someone to make me whole and maybe even complete my soul
This world is almost an empty bowl with hungry scavengers wanting more
Well you know what?
Get the FUCK away from my door!
11.11.99
So your horoscope told you it was your day today
You're on the North Shore fucked up enjoying the sound and the waves and the beautiful sky and the water meet...
So your horoscope told you it was your day today
You're on the North Shore fucked up enjoying the sound and the waves and the beautiful sky and the water meet...
11.17.99
Amidst the clouds and rain lies a rainbow and unless I believe there really is a rainbow I have no hope of surviving on my own. It's just sooo hard- I know I won't give up but where is all of this supposed to lead me. Yeah, though I walk... If I really am this unhappy I have to decide what I want out of life. What and who do I want to be???
Life is so confusing- I just wish I had one person, just one that I could get to know and they could get to know me. I hate being lonely and alone-so you know what-it's time to do something about it!
What?
I don't know yet but I won't stop till I've found it or him/her.
How can I be so unhappy in Paradise?
What is wrong w/ me?
What am I doing with my precious life???
Amidst the clouds and rain lies a rainbow and unless I believe there really is a rainbow I have no hope of surviving on my own. It's just sooo hard- I know I won't give up but where is all of this supposed to lead me. Yeah, though I walk... If I really am this unhappy I have to decide what I want out of life. What and who do I want to be???
Life is so confusing- I just wish I had one person, just one that I could get to know and they could get to know me. I hate being lonely and alone-so you know what-it's time to do something about it!
What?
I don't know yet but I won't stop till I've found it or him/her.
How can I be so unhappy in Paradise?
What is wrong w/ me?
What am I doing with my precious life???