7.1.00
Such a weird day-
Met up w/ Samantha + Courtney, went to a barbeque then went to Joe's Pub
For the 1st time I met people there
-of course w/ the presence of Samantha
and I should have done it before
They are so nice
-doing e, shrooms, trees
Mom's away the cat's going to play
& I'm sooo Free
Such a weird day-
Met up w/ Samantha + Courtney, went to a barbeque then went to Joe's Pub
For the 1st time I met people there
-of course w/ the presence of Samantha
and I should have done it before
They are so nice
-doing e, shrooms, trees
Mom's away the cat's going to play
& I'm sooo Free
↓
Something awful my kids will have 2 learn too
I think I'm trying to prevent myself from learning a very valuable lesson
-it seems almost too much to bear right now, my heart
💔 is going through so much pain
-everything that I've worked so hard at
-the friendships are all blowing up in face
-I did everything for them and never really wanted to see that they never really cared about me
Now that I'm home it's hard not to realize
-if I stayed would things have been better?
No b/c even though I never wanted to realize that
things were always like this
This is a very valuable lesson that hurts me so much to learn
I must say goodbye to it all in order to step all the way into the future
Nothing's holding me back
The strings are cut and I'm truly free.
I think I'm trying to prevent myself from learning a very valuable lesson
-it seems almost too much to bear right now, my heart
💔 is going through so much pain
-everything that I've worked so hard at
-the friendships are all blowing up in face
-I did everything for them and never really wanted to see that they never really cared about me
Now that I'm home it's hard not to realize
-if I stayed would things have been better?
No b/c even though I never wanted to realize that
things were always like this
This is a very valuable lesson that hurts me so much to learn
I must say goodbye to it all in order to step all the way into the future
Nothing's holding me back
The strings are cut and I'm truly free.
7.16.00
Don't even know what 2 write today but for some reason I brought it anyway
Spent the weekend watching movies
-had yet another adventure w/ Samantha on Friday
Saw the Talented Mr. Ripley and I wonder what my talent is...
I have a few-
I'm a good liar but I gave that up since I don't like to be lied to
I'm good at loving but I bet if people really tried they would be too
I'm good at being creative...
well...
at least I think I am...
Everytime I show someone something I've done here
I get nothing
No signs that I'm at least talented
just "oh, that's nice" and "oh yeah...I used to do that"
Am I good?
I think I am and I know I will always do it
but should I try to make a career out of it?
People always say do what makes you happy
Ok so I do-
While I have no place to live, no means of support...
I guess what I'm trying to say is I won't have any $
and how would I be able to live in a $ driven world.
I wish things weren't like that-
People did the things that they loved-
Everyone would be so much happier
If I could give people the opportunity to do and be anything they wanted regardless of money that/life would be amazing and everyone would be truly
Don't even know what 2 write today but for some reason I brought it anyway
Spent the weekend watching movies
-had yet another adventure w/ Samantha on Friday
Saw the Talented Mr. Ripley and I wonder what my talent is...
I have a few-
I'm a good liar but I gave that up since I don't like to be lied to
I'm good at loving but I bet if people really tried they would be too
I'm good at being creative...
well...
at least I think I am...
Everytime I show someone something I've done here
I get nothing
No signs that I'm at least talented
just "oh, that's nice" and "oh yeah...I used to do that"
Am I good?
I think I am and I know I will always do it
but should I try to make a career out of it?
People always say do what makes you happy
Ok so I do-
While I have no place to live, no means of support...
I guess what I'm trying to say is I won't have any $
and how would I be able to live in a $ driven world.
I wish things weren't like that-
People did the things that they loved-
Everyone would be so much happier
If I could give people the opportunity to do and be anything they wanted regardless of money that/life would be amazing and everyone would be truly
B - L - E - S - S - E - D
So the question is still there for me
Am I truly talented-
Can I do what I love for the rest of my life?
I wish, pray and hope that I will be able to
------------------------------- Just A Reminder ------------------------------
I should start making furniture & posters & clothing on a weekly basis
Find something, pick it up
one man's trash is another man's treasure
this also applies to when I'm in Hawai'i-
I need to collect bamboo, shells, sand and other random things
Make weekly outings to flea markets, goodwill & salvation army
(hopefully w/ Simen)
Am I truly talented-
Can I do what I love for the rest of my life?
I wish, pray and hope that I will be able to
------------------------------- Just A Reminder ------------------------------
I should start making furniture & posters & clothing on a weekly basis
Find something, pick it up
one man's trash is another man's treasure
this also applies to when I'm in Hawai'i-
I need to collect bamboo, shells, sand and other random things
Make weekly outings to flea markets, goodwill & salvation army
(hopefully w/ Simen)
WOWA!
Just realized something
Maybe I was so scared and put off by Simen
because he is what I am looking for in a mate
someone with an extraordinary imagination, loving, genuine, fun, emotional and loves everything about me
What if I have found my soul mate
Is it too young for me to be married or at least in a committed relationship, loving only that one person & having them love me?
I'm so scared at that thought but at the same time feel...
overwhelmed at the possibilities that offers me
-a chance for me to really be loved the way I want to be
and desperately need to be
A part of me is just confused
I latch on to people too quickly and this could really be
LOVE!
or could it be?
Just realized something
Maybe I was so scared and put off by Simen
because he is what I am looking for in a mate
someone with an extraordinary imagination, loving, genuine, fun, emotional and loves everything about me
What if I have found my soul mate
Is it too young for me to be married or at least in a committed relationship, loving only that one person & having them love me?
I'm so scared at that thought but at the same time feel...
overwhelmed at the possibilities that offers me
-a chance for me to really be loved the way I want to be
and desperately need to be
A part of me is just confused
I latch on to people too quickly and this could really be
LOVE!
or could it be?
7.22.00
So I finally got a credit card!
Yeah!
I'm not going to go crazy charging everything
but it definitely feels good to have credit
So-
Nick just asked me what I would want a guy to rub or lick
all over my body...
Good
Question...
I would have to say
hazelnut chocolate
that way I could eat some too
and lick it off of his
lips/face
Having a great time in the Hamptons!
Wish You Were Here!
Yeah!
I'm not going to go crazy charging everything
but it definitely feels good to have credit
So-
Nick just asked me what I would want a guy to rub or lick
all over my body...
Good
Question...
I would have to say
hazelnut chocolate
that way I could eat some too
and lick it off of his
lips/face
Having a great time in the Hamptons!
Wish You Were Here!
8.10.00
One by one
All dropping like flies
Spitting in the face
Of something I thought was-
Devine
-defined
Our friendships
True and dear
Which are now dwindling away
No longer sincere
Who am I supposed to turn to
Where am I supposed to go
What's that...?
You don't care
or
Is it all in my head
I'm searching for a place to stand and no one's there to take my hand
So here I stand
Alone and scared
(̶h̶o̶p̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶n̶d̶)̶
Urgh!
I forgot the two last lines and now (they) refuse to come out.
One by one
All dropping like flies
Spitting in the face
Of something I thought was-
Devine
-defined
Our friendships
True and dear
Which are now dwindling away
No longer sincere
Who am I supposed to turn to
Where am I supposed to go
What's that...?
You don't care
or
Is it all in my head
I'm searching for a place to stand and no one's there to take my hand
So here I stand
Alone and scared
(̶h̶o̶p̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶n̶d̶)̶
Urgh!
I forgot the two last lines and now (they) refuse to come out.
I need to trust myself more
To write down exactly what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it
-No Matter What-
Especially if you expect to write poetry
-Well I guess what I was trying to say is
All of my (friends) supports have moved away
-I have no "best" friends in New York and it feels pretty shitty
This whole vacation I've been mostly alone
-and the pen chooses to run out-
I hate being alone
I love being @ friends
My friends are the only friends I have now
and they are in Hawai'i
Thank God I'm going back!
To write down exactly what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it
-No Matter What-
Especially if you expect to write poetry
-Well I guess what I was trying to say is
All of my (friends) supports have moved away
-I have no "best" friends in New York and it feels pretty shitty
This whole vacation I've been mostly alone
-and the pen chooses to run out-
I hate being alone
I love being @ friends
My friends are the only friends I have now
and they are in Hawai'i
Thank God I'm going back!
8.14.2000
I HAVE BUTTERFLIES IN MY BELLY!
Live everyday as if it were your last
-You never know what's going to happen
So make it happen!
I should start writing that everywhere I can especially on $$$
Mom left this morning
-I hope she has a great time
-I really do
I kept thinking how I kept doing dishes, cleaning and you know what
I just did it
-I shut up, put up and did it
- I have really learned how to be patient, do little things just because
and above all try to love instead of hate, forgive instead of dwell and appreciate everything @ me
FO4UR MORE DAYS...YEAH!
I HAVE BUTTERFLIES IN MY BELLY!
Live everyday as if it were your last
-You never know what's going to happen
So make it happen!
I should start writing that everywhere I can especially on $$$
Mom left this morning
-I hope she has a great time
-I really do
I kept thinking how I kept doing dishes, cleaning and you know what
I just did it
-I shut up, put up and did it
- I have really learned how to be patient, do little things just because
and above all try to love instead of hate, forgive instead of dwell and appreciate everything @ me
FO4UR MORE DAYS...YEAH!
8.28.00
So Seattle was "Fuckin' Awesome" and I met so many "chill" people
Life's been great so far
Just smuggled some weed on
-and I don't think I ever want to again
Shit is scary
Simen...ahhhh....Simen
He wrote me again after I asked him to marry me and he said and I quote
"If I was French I could tell you I loved you in another way..."
He really takes my breath away
I mean he makes my heart just burst with joy and happiness
I mean what if he's THE ONE...
That's such a scary thought but wonderful at the same time
I wish he was
THE ONE!
but...
COULD HE LOVE ME
So Seattle was "Fuckin' Awesome" and I met so many "chill" people
Life's been great so far
Just smuggled some weed on
-and I don't think I ever want to again
Shit is scary
Simen...ahhhh....Simen
He wrote me again after I asked him to marry me and he said and I quote
"If I was French I could tell you I loved you in another way..."
He really takes my breath away
I mean he makes my heart just burst with joy and happiness
I mean what if he's THE ONE...
That's such a scary thought but wonderful at the same time
I wish he was
THE ONE!
but...
COULD HE LOVE ME
8.31.00
BEING ↓ UNDER ↓ 21 S-U-C-K-S!
BEING ↓ UNDER ↓ 21 S-U-C-K-S!
Well once again I am feeling shitty and nothing anybody does will make me feel better
Tina went out and partied
-got fucked up
-had fun and I...
saw a movie
Yeah!
Well...The Cell was good but nobody even cared if I was @
-well you know what that's "cool"
-maybe now I shouldn't give a fuck how anybody feels
-maybe I should just completely shut myself off to them
-I mean being the way I want to be always leaves me FUCKED in the end
-Well, I can't take it ANYMORE!
Monique's not around
-hey wait who is Monique
-who cares there's another one over there
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
You're never going to get what I have anywhere else
It's mine
It's me
-It's who I am
-but you know what I don't think anyone cares enough to realize
-Do you think anyone ever will?
I'm so sick and tired of people lying to me, telling me-
promising me and delivering nothing
-like it never happened
like nothing was ever said
Well then FUCK YOU!
Don't even bother
2 SPEAK 2 ME!
LVE ME ALONE!
Tina went out and partied
-got fucked up
-had fun and I...
saw a movie
Yeah!
Well...The Cell was good but nobody even cared if I was @
-well you know what that's "cool"
-maybe now I shouldn't give a fuck how anybody feels
-maybe I should just completely shut myself off to them
-I mean being the way I want to be always leaves me FUCKED in the end
-Well, I can't take it ANYMORE!
Monique's not around
-hey wait who is Monique
-who cares there's another one over there
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
You're never going to get what I have anywhere else
It's mine
It's me
-It's who I am
-but you know what I don't think anyone cares enough to realize
-Do you think anyone ever will?
I'm so sick and tired of people lying to me, telling me-
promising me and delivering nothing
-like it never happened
like nothing was ever said
Well then FUCK YOU!
Don't even bother
2 SPEAK 2 ME!
LVE ME ALONE!
9.2.00 Actually 3
I think I'm a sucker
-or at least a gluten for punishment
Why else would I have friends that really don't give a fuck about me?
Why is Tina so mean to me when I love her so much.
It just doesn't make any sense
-give me the strength to overcome all of the negativity corrupting my life
I must remember not to take everything so serious and personal unless
I want it to become personal and I'm willing to voice my dismay
I think I'm a sucker
-or at least a gluten for punishment
Why else would I have friends that really don't give a fuck about me?
Why is Tina so mean to me when I love her so much.
It just doesn't make any sense
-give me the strength to overcome all of the negativity corrupting my life
I must remember not to take everything so serious and personal unless
I want it to become personal and I'm willing to voice my dismay
I think it's 9.12.00 but not sure
Cause I never knew ♥ like this before
Cause I never knew ♥ like this before
Don't have my watch on
Chillin' takin a bath thinkin' about what is
-what could be
I think I realize why I won't go for it w/ Simen
-b/c I'm still in ♥ with Tina
-I mean I never considered myself to be a lesbian
but I'm not opposed to loving someone
who cares if we make ♥
Chillin' takin a bath thinkin' about what is
-what could be
I think I realize why I won't go for it w/ Simen
-b/c I'm still in ♥ with Tina
-I mean I never considered myself to be a lesbian
but I'm not opposed to loving someone
who cares if we make ♥
YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE
9.16.00
So we did it!
We finally found a place conveniently located downtown
I'm pretty bumbed today
-well let's just say disappointed.
Tina talks a whole lot of shit about me + her
but I don't really think she means it
I mean she says she's going to marry me, she says she would be so good to me but whenever I deny her sex she looks for it somewhere else-
which is fine but whenever I want it-
I GET NOTHING!
I'm lonely, sexually frustrated and I need love.
Everybody thinks that just because I don't have sex I don't want it
-but let me tell you
-I think about sex almost every minute
I get just as turned on when someone kisses me &/or makes advances towards me
I want to FUCK too but...
I tend to think more then I act and in the long run...
I find...
It's better that I don't
FUCK that is
b/c I want to be made love to, I want someone to recognize that they are touching me, a person, who thinks and feels and loves instead of just a body, pleasing your needs & I want it to mean something the next day
-I don't want it to be something they choose to forget about
-I want it to replay in their minds as a beautiful experience that will always be remembered & hopefully I can add many more
I value intimacy so much I think it's b/c only those two know what they actually shared and the real memory I want to leave should reflect that-
Don't ya think?
Anyway-
I don't think I can blame it all on Tina I mean I send mixed messages too
-I don't think she fully understands how much I love her and I don't think she knows why I won't hook up with her
b/c w/ the way we fight now 75% of the fights are over 1 of us being jealous
You add sex in there and people are only going to get hurt
-or should I rephrase that
I'M ONLY GOING TO GET HURT
I know it
-she's not ready to be w/ me and me only
I accept that
-even though it hurts when she goes to other people for intimacy or says she needs someone to love her
Well, HELL, I'm right HERE! & until you can really see that
I can't share that side of me w/ you, I can't open myself up like that
-I can't give you all of me...
when you take for granted the 90% you already have
I DON'T KNOW MUCH - BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU
AND THAT MAY BE ALL I NEED TO KNOW
-at least for now
Sunsets are Beautiful! esp in Hawai'i
9.16.00
So we did it!
We finally found a place conveniently located downtown
I'm pretty bumbed today
-well let's just say disappointed.
Tina talks a whole lot of shit about me + her
but I don't really think she means it
I mean she says she's going to marry me, she says she would be so good to me but whenever I deny her sex she looks for it somewhere else-
which is fine but whenever I want it-
I GET NOTHING!
I'm lonely, sexually frustrated and I need love.
Everybody thinks that just because I don't have sex I don't want it
-but let me tell you
-I think about sex almost every minute
I get just as turned on when someone kisses me &/or makes advances towards me
I want to FUCK too but...
I tend to think more then I act and in the long run...
I find...
It's better that I don't
FUCK that is
b/c I want to be made love to, I want someone to recognize that they are touching me, a person, who thinks and feels and loves instead of just a body, pleasing your needs & I want it to mean something the next day
-I don't want it to be something they choose to forget about
-I want it to replay in their minds as a beautiful experience that will always be remembered & hopefully I can add many more
I value intimacy so much I think it's b/c only those two know what they actually shared and the real memory I want to leave should reflect that-
Don't ya think?
Anyway-
I don't think I can blame it all on Tina I mean I send mixed messages too
-I don't think she fully understands how much I love her and I don't think she knows why I won't hook up with her
b/c w/ the way we fight now 75% of the fights are over 1 of us being jealous
You add sex in there and people are only going to get hurt
-or should I rephrase that
I'M ONLY GOING TO GET HURT
I know it
-she's not ready to be w/ me and me only
I accept that
-even though it hurts when she goes to other people for intimacy or says she needs someone to love her
Well, HELL, I'm right HERE! & until you can really see that
I can't share that side of me w/ you, I can't open myself up like that
-I can't give you all of me...
when you take for granted the 90% you already have
I DON'T KNOW MUCH - BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU
AND THAT MAY BE ALL I NEED TO KNOW
-at least for now
Sunsets are Beautiful! esp in Hawai'i
HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!
9.25.00
Well, that's it I really really love Tina
-if we could just put aside all of the bullshit
just maybe we could be truly happy 2gether
I don't know what to do anymore
Every angle I try to fails
-no matter what I try to do to show her I love her doesn't register
& she won't take that step b/c she's scared of getting hurt-
but I could never hurt her-
she just refuses to see it and until she wants to she will never see it
no matter how much I try or what I do-
All I want is to save you honey or the strength 2 walk away-
9.25.00
Well, that's it I really really love Tina
-if we could just put aside all of the bullshit
just maybe we could be truly happy 2gether
I don't know what to do anymore
Every angle I try to fails
-no matter what I try to do to show her I love her doesn't register
& she won't take that step b/c she's scared of getting hurt-
but I could never hurt her-
she just refuses to see it and until she wants to she will never see it
no matter how much I try or what I do-
All I want is to save you honey or the strength 2 walk away-
Happy Full 🌑 & Friday the 13th!
Actually it's 10-14-00
I feel so sick
I took way too many vicodin and drank way too much.
My stomach is killing me and I threw up last night.
Hey...shhhhh.....
Guess what?!?...
I kissed Tina.
Yes me
-if you want it done right
-do it yourself
-but I have the feeling that that's all that's going to happen
-and maybe that's all that should
I go home tomorrow for @ 5 days
-maybe that's just what the Dr. ordered.
N'est pas!
Actually it's 10-14-00
I feel so sick
I took way too many vicodin and drank way too much.
My stomach is killing me and I threw up last night.
Hey...shhhhh.....
Guess what?!?...
I kissed Tina.
Yes me
-if you want it done right
-do it yourself
-but I have the feeling that that's all that's going to happen
-and maybe that's all that should
I go home tomorrow for @ 5 days
-maybe that's just what the Dr. ordered.
N'est pas!
A CONTINUATION 10.15.00
I need to figure out what is wrong w/ me and fix it
because I think at times I can make is so difficult to love me.
I don't know what I do but starting RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW
I need to change
If not for Tina then for myself b/c I'm just not happy
-I'm not and I haven't been for a long time.
Now I'm not sure I need to be in a relationship
but I do need to be w/ someone
Maybe we should just stay friends
and work on that b4 we even think about being "together"
Don't you think?
I can't tell anymore if I'm being too moody
If I'm always sad and if I'm always picking a fight
From now on no more sulking, crying, bitching & moaning!
I'm serious!
-I mean if I try not to do it @ people then maybe I won't do it anymore
SUCK IT UP
CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK
& SEE EVERYTHING
I want to be happy-
I really do but I'm the only one that's stopping me from truly being happy-
Why?
b/c maybe deep down inside I don't think I deserve it-
Well... Hello! I'm talking to you-
You DESERVE TO BE FREE, HAPPY & living your life vicariously free & happy
-experiencing everything and really seeing what life is all about.
I need to figure out what is wrong w/ me and fix it
because I think at times I can make is so difficult to love me.
I don't know what I do but starting RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW
I need to change
If not for Tina then for myself b/c I'm just not happy
-I'm not and I haven't been for a long time.
Now I'm not sure I need to be in a relationship
but I do need to be w/ someone
Maybe we should just stay friends
and work on that b4 we even think about being "together"
Don't you think?
I can't tell anymore if I'm being too moody
If I'm always sad and if I'm always picking a fight
From now on no more sulking, crying, bitching & moaning!
I'm serious!
-I mean if I try not to do it @ people then maybe I won't do it anymore
SUCK IT UP
CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK
& SEE EVERYTHING
I want to be happy-
I really do but I'm the only one that's stopping me from truly being happy-
Why?
b/c maybe deep down inside I don't think I deserve it-
Well... Hello! I'm talking to you-
You DESERVE TO BE FREE, HAPPY & living your life vicariously free & happy
-experiencing everything and really seeing what life is all about.
I think I also need to really learn what love is b/c I'm beginning to think I throw @ that word and I'm throwing all of my emotions into the wrong people and not pursuing all of the opportunities for relationships that I have encountered
Right Here Right now I vow to myself that:
1. I will take deeper breaths, I will not lose control & I won't express every emotion that I have w/ everyone
2. Begin to learn what love really is by allowing someone to love me without any preconceived notions of what love really is or what I think it should be
3. Last but not least-take my time
if it doesn't happen so what don't rush the UNEXPECTED!
You never know what's going to occur
Right Here Right now I vow to myself that:
1. I will take deeper breaths, I will not lose control & I won't express every emotion that I have w/ everyone
2. Begin to learn what love really is by allowing someone to love me without any preconceived notions of what love really is or what I think it should be
3. Last but not least-take my time
if it doesn't happen so what don't rush the UNEXPECTED!
You never know what's going to occur
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL 😁
At Joe's Pub w/ Heather + Tahirah
-I really over analyzed everything
I love them-
-I always will and it's nice to see that some things always remain the same
-by the way it's the next day but the same day-
get it?
-Anyway I'm on the plane right now to Honolulu,
-Home...
Crystal met me at the airport in LA which was nice
I was really hoping she would
I love her more than she'll ever know
I think everything's looking ↑ I feel great!
I'm flying in 1st class with all of the room I could ever ask for.
Thank you!
Thank You to whoever is smiling down on me-
I really appreciate it & won't forget it.
❤.
-I really over analyzed everything
I love them-
-I always will and it's nice to see that some things always remain the same
-by the way it's the next day but the same day-
get it?
-Anyway I'm on the plane right now to Honolulu,
-Home...
Crystal met me at the airport in LA which was nice
I was really hoping she would
I love her more than she'll ever know
I think everything's looking ↑ I feel great!
I'm flying in 1st class with all of the room I could ever ask for.
Thank you!
Thank You to whoever is smiling down on me-
I really appreciate it & won't forget it.
❤.
10.27.00
2 MORE MONTHS UNTIL MY B-DAY!
Yeah!
I wonder where I'll be on that day-
20 years old-
FUCK!
I'm getting old-
It's not a bad thing but wow
I definitely don't feel like I'm that old
-I feel more mature
-even though I've been mature my whole life but I feel like now I've earned it
I deserve to be whoever I'm going to be
I need-
I can't wait to go to Paris
-spoke to Auralia's Mom and she says that's the place I need to go
-they accept/love art
-it will put me in the right direction and make me who I need to be...
Paris
...
j'adore
💋
2 MORE MONTHS UNTIL MY B-DAY!
Yeah!
I wonder where I'll be on that day-
20 years old-
FUCK!
I'm getting old-
It's not a bad thing but wow
I definitely don't feel like I'm that old
-I feel more mature
-even though I've been mature my whole life but I feel like now I've earned it
I deserve to be whoever I'm going to be
I need-
I can't wait to go to Paris
-spoke to Auralia's Mom and she says that's the place I need to go
-they accept/love art
-it will put me in the right direction and make me who I need to be...
Paris
...
j'adore
💋
