Do the kinds of things that come from the heart
When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious
You won't be longing for somebody else's things
When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious
You won't be longing for somebody else's things
6/29/99
So what can I say...I'm a high school graduate, I have no love interests and
I leave for Hawaii in about a month and a half. Well I guess I can't say no love interests. There is one guy I like, Cuban but I don't know if I could fool around with him -I mean I barely know him. The only thing I do know is that I'm very lonely but I doubt that sex is the answer. I'm so confused and I really need a smoke at least I'll feel better. The sad thing about smoking is that I'm high for a good half an hour if that. I've tried acid 3 times, ecstasy 4 times, mushrooms once, weed too many times to count and I rarely drink. I've been to two clubs, The Bank once and Speed twice. The Bank was a big mistake and Speed is scary on Saturdays because there are way too many people there and it's too hot. I haven't spoken to Alfred since I ran away from home and it's probably for the best. It's so funny how things can change so much within a year. I only had sex four times, once with Eamon (just the tip), twice with Alfred Cruz and once with Leo. Up until today I couldn't remember Leo's name. What does that say about me? Who am I? Where am I going? 20 years looking back on this I hope I've learned from all of the mistakes and I have what I really want and need out of life. So you wanna be hardcore!
So what can I say...I'm a high school graduate, I have no love interests and
I leave for Hawaii in about a month and a half. Well I guess I can't say no love interests. There is one guy I like, Cuban but I don't know if I could fool around with him -I mean I barely know him. The only thing I do know is that I'm very lonely but I doubt that sex is the answer. I'm so confused and I really need a smoke at least I'll feel better. The sad thing about smoking is that I'm high for a good half an hour if that. I've tried acid 3 times, ecstasy 4 times, mushrooms once, weed too many times to count and I rarely drink. I've been to two clubs, The Bank once and Speed twice. The Bank was a big mistake and Speed is scary on Saturdays because there are way too many people there and it's too hot. I haven't spoken to Alfred since I ran away from home and it's probably for the best. It's so funny how things can change so much within a year. I only had sex four times, once with Eamon (just the tip), twice with Alfred Cruz and once with Leo. Up until today I couldn't remember Leo's name. What does that say about me? Who am I? Where am I going? 20 years looking back on this I hope I've learned from all of the mistakes and I have what I really want and need out of life. So you wanna be hardcore!
I'm hanging out with Cuban and Jenelle and her T, along with the rest of the crew. I'm fucked up right now, mind is racing-the drugs...
Just read what I wrote to Cuban and he said, "Oh..."
Whatever.
6/30/99
It's the next morning
4:25 and Cuban spent the night.
We fooled around a little and then he passed out. While he was sleeping I watched him for an hour.
I caressed his face every bump, crease and hair. Watched as he breathed slowly in and out mesmerized by his tranquility. He is so cute. I spent about 15 minutes tracing the line of his lips. He finally woke up looking at me with his sparkling green eyes pulling my face down with his gentle hands and we kissed.
It was slow and beautiful, exactly what I needed if you know what I mean. Then I spent the rest of the night cuddled in his arms, snuggling in his warmth.
I'm telling you it was the best and you know what...
he knew I wasn't totally into it and stopped and he still let me be all over him, caressing him and loving him.
7/1/99
Tension Builds Up At Home, Watch Your Temper
Lucky Numbers 0, 1, 4, 7, 15, 18, 23, 30, 31
So today is July the first and what a way to ring in the new year than by
having Mom call the police on me.
It's all so fuzzy now that I think about it.
I hate her so much and realize now that we can never repair our relationship no matter how much I try. She doesn't understand anything about me and never will.
I'm trying to call anyone so I can talk to them but surprise, surprise no one's home. I have no one.
I am no one-
maybe I should just end it all.
Maybe this is a sign that no one is home-
You are always alone in your darkest hour. I still can't believe she slapped me. All over money
$
Money That's What I Want, That's What I Want.
The Best Things In Life Are Free- This is the biggest lie ever and I pity the fool who believes it.
Nothing in life is free, everything has a price.
What if I killed her do you think anyone would cry for her?
No...
I can't do that I don't have the guts.
Now it's 1:40 in the morning and I'm sitting in Speed fucked up right now
with Tahirah, Jenelle, and Keisha there are two twins next to us and they're really adorable, 31, but adorable. They just gave us weed for our bowl.
Bye...
people are getting suspicious.
7/3/99
Whatever.
6/30/99
It's the next morning
4:25 and Cuban spent the night.
We fooled around a little and then he passed out. While he was sleeping I watched him for an hour.
I caressed his face every bump, crease and hair. Watched as he breathed slowly in and out mesmerized by his tranquility. He is so cute. I spent about 15 minutes tracing the line of his lips. He finally woke up looking at me with his sparkling green eyes pulling my face down with his gentle hands and we kissed.
It was slow and beautiful, exactly what I needed if you know what I mean. Then I spent the rest of the night cuddled in his arms, snuggling in his warmth.
I'm telling you it was the best and you know what...
he knew I wasn't totally into it and stopped and he still let me be all over him, caressing him and loving him.
7/1/99
Tension Builds Up At Home, Watch Your Temper
Lucky Numbers 0, 1, 4, 7, 15, 18, 23, 30, 31
So today is July the first and what a way to ring in the new year than by
having Mom call the police on me.
It's all so fuzzy now that I think about it.
I hate her so much and realize now that we can never repair our relationship no matter how much I try. She doesn't understand anything about me and never will.
I'm trying to call anyone so I can talk to them but surprise, surprise no one's home. I have no one.
I am no one-
maybe I should just end it all.
Maybe this is a sign that no one is home-
You are always alone in your darkest hour. I still can't believe she slapped me. All over money
$
Money That's What I Want, That's What I Want.
The Best Things In Life Are Free- This is the biggest lie ever and I pity the fool who believes it.
Nothing in life is free, everything has a price.
What if I killed her do you think anyone would cry for her?
No...
I can't do that I don't have the guts.
Now it's 1:40 in the morning and I'm sitting in Speed fucked up right now
with Tahirah, Jenelle, and Keisha there are two twins next to us and they're really adorable, 31, but adorable. They just gave us weed for our bowl.
Bye...
people are getting suspicious.
7/3/99
On my way to the Hamptons and guess who I see...?
...
Kevin!
Yes, Kevin from the flats in Central Park. The one that you had a crush on for years but he would never give you the time of day Kevin-
Wow!
That's so weird now the shoe's on the other foot and he wants me.
"Oh, Monique you've lost weight, call me, I don't get a kiss goodbye?"
The sad thing is, is he looks like shit and he's not graduating until another year.
How sweet it is!
Remember when you were too short to get on rides.
Aawww!
How things change.
I'm in the Hamptons on my way to the carnival, fair whatever you want to call it. Jason is on my shit list because he took shotgun.
7/4/99
Your Character Can Be Described As Natural And Unrestrained
Lucky Numbers 7, 9, 12, 20, 22, 26
Happy 4th of July! Happy Independence Day! Whatever you want to call it, it is time to celebrate. So what have you learned today? Well...let's see...I learned that I am truly blessed for the friends and family I am around. I am eternally grateful for the fact that Tammy is my Mom and is going to help me with college. She truly is an inspiration. I am proud and honored that I have been with Brittany and Josh since day one and I love them as if they were my sister and brother.
What would I do without my best friend Crystal?
She never hesitates to make me feel like an important part of her family and I love her for that.
I learned that no matter what life throws at me I'm still standing waiting for more.
I am going to Hawaii.
I will succeed.
I am and going to be someone!
Fireworks are a beautiful thing. I need them for my wedding....
And The Home Of The Braves...
7/6/99
The Simplest Things In Life Are Usually The Most Important
Cuban's not home. Jenelle's not home and I have no weed.
...
Kevin!
Yes, Kevin from the flats in Central Park. The one that you had a crush on for years but he would never give you the time of day Kevin-
Wow!
That's so weird now the shoe's on the other foot and he wants me.
"Oh, Monique you've lost weight, call me, I don't get a kiss goodbye?"
The sad thing is, is he looks like shit and he's not graduating until another year.
How sweet it is!
Remember when you were too short to get on rides.
Aawww!
How things change.
I'm in the Hamptons on my way to the carnival, fair whatever you want to call it. Jason is on my shit list because he took shotgun.
7/4/99
Your Character Can Be Described As Natural And Unrestrained
Lucky Numbers 7, 9, 12, 20, 22, 26
Happy 4th of July! Happy Independence Day! Whatever you want to call it, it is time to celebrate. So what have you learned today? Well...let's see...I learned that I am truly blessed for the friends and family I am around. I am eternally grateful for the fact that Tammy is my Mom and is going to help me with college. She truly is an inspiration. I am proud and honored that I have been with Brittany and Josh since day one and I love them as if they were my sister and brother.
What would I do without my best friend Crystal?
She never hesitates to make me feel like an important part of her family and I love her for that.
I learned that no matter what life throws at me I'm still standing waiting for more.
I am going to Hawaii.
I will succeed.
I am and going to be someone!
Fireworks are a beautiful thing. I need them for my wedding....
And The Home Of The Braves...
7/6/99
The Simplest Things In Life Are Usually The Most Important
Cuban's not home. Jenelle's not home and I have no weed.
American Woman- Stay Away From Me, American Woman Dan Na Na Baybie.
So lets just take this time to focus on me.
I looked up my birthday in the birthday book and here's what it said:
I am ruled by the number 9, my card is the hermit and I was born on the day of the clever contributor.
So lets just take this time to focus on me.
I looked up my birthday in the birthday book and here's what it said:
I am ruled by the number 9, my card is the hermit and I was born on the day of the clever contributor.
Now that my friend is some incredibly, powerful stuff.
O.K.
Moving on...
As far as Capricorn people go
there is little question about who is the boss.
Authoritative personalities,
they tend to speak with much assurance
-even when they are wrong.
-So true.
Not so much leadership but rulership,
laying down the law and asserting their power,
is their forte.
Well would you look at that!
I think that sums me up but if it’s for everyone born on this day then surely my father must be like this, like me...
But then why wouldn't he want to get to know me if he is or rather I am just like him since we share the same birthday.
That's when I think this is all a crock of shit but one mustn't have those sorts of thoughts like it says above I must remain positive, open and vibrant.
7/8/99
If You Prick The Wrong Path, Just Backtrack And Try A New One
Oh, My God!
I just spoke to Cuban and if I may say this again he's so cute.
We might meet up tonight he's going to call me later.
So it's 1:45 AM and Cuban has not called back.
Fuck You!
7/9/99
At Lucies and we are going through our all time favorite quotes that
continually inspire us whenever we hear it, smoking a blunt amidst the genius.
If we weren't all crazy, we would all go insane- Jimmy Buffet * Erase all mistakes completely-SAT Directions * Being bad is fun and fun is a good thing- Cat In The Hat * Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time- Unknown * When the tides of life turn against you and the current
upsets your boat, don't waste your tears on what might have been..Just lay on your back and float- Honeymooners * Life is a waste of time , a waste of life, so why not get wasted and have the time of our lives- Unknown but will be a future pick up line for me * I'm closing the book, on the pages and the text...and I really don't care what happens next...I've been walking the road...I've been living on the edge...Now I've got to go before I get to the ledge- Bob Dylan * Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down- Ray Bradbury * One day the world will be ready for you and wonder how they didn't see you- Eels * Falling past strangers and its only 11 and I'm staring like a child until someone slips me heaven- The Cure *
Lucie has come up with her own and it goes a little something like this... Rely not on the words themselves but rely on their meaning sometimes the smallest words have the greatest meaning
...isn't that deep. She is such a wise soul.
7/10/99
This Is Dedicated To The Girls Of The Night
Rock On 'Till The Break Of Light
So I am tripping my ass off and I'm with Kat. You need manners always
remember that! (Truly) You're not bugging. I hate cell phones they are so impersonal but I guess this is too. I always need to venture into myself. I forgot what I was saying-shrooms...Everyone is playing with their cell phones. You don't even know who you are really speaking to.
Hmmm...I feel bad for Lucie she's playing with her cell phone just to mimic everyone else.
Step outside...
Time is passing by...
Who are we really!
You stand with a gun to my head-
I'll never be dead-
I look at you and say...
"Pass the dutchie," with a smile, relax, stay awhile...
but you don't hear me. My life will never be the same.
7/10/99
The Morning After
Doing one of my favorite things this week...gathering quotes to use as mantras for my life. I have even come up with two I made all by myself...
Let me lead, follow me or get out of the way...
( I think that sums up my character)
& last but not least
I think we are all just searching for someone to listen
What do ya think?
I don't know who said all of these but does it matter its pure genius.
O.K.
Moving on...
As far as Capricorn people go
there is little question about who is the boss.
Authoritative personalities,
they tend to speak with much assurance
-even when they are wrong.
-So true.
Not so much leadership but rulership,
laying down the law and asserting their power,
is their forte.
Well would you look at that!
I think that sums me up but if it’s for everyone born on this day then surely my father must be like this, like me...
But then why wouldn't he want to get to know me if he is or rather I am just like him since we share the same birthday.
That's when I think this is all a crock of shit but one mustn't have those sorts of thoughts like it says above I must remain positive, open and vibrant.
7/8/99
If You Prick The Wrong Path, Just Backtrack And Try A New One
Oh, My God!
I just spoke to Cuban and if I may say this again he's so cute.
We might meet up tonight he's going to call me later.
So it's 1:45 AM and Cuban has not called back.
Fuck You!
7/9/99
At Lucies and we are going through our all time favorite quotes that
continually inspire us whenever we hear it, smoking a blunt amidst the genius.
If we weren't all crazy, we would all go insane- Jimmy Buffet * Erase all mistakes completely-SAT Directions * Being bad is fun and fun is a good thing- Cat In The Hat * Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time- Unknown * When the tides of life turn against you and the current
upsets your boat, don't waste your tears on what might have been..Just lay on your back and float- Honeymooners * Life is a waste of time , a waste of life, so why not get wasted and have the time of our lives- Unknown but will be a future pick up line for me * I'm closing the book, on the pages and the text...and I really don't care what happens next...I've been walking the road...I've been living on the edge...Now I've got to go before I get to the ledge- Bob Dylan * Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down- Ray Bradbury * One day the world will be ready for you and wonder how they didn't see you- Eels * Falling past strangers and its only 11 and I'm staring like a child until someone slips me heaven- The Cure *
Lucie has come up with her own and it goes a little something like this... Rely not on the words themselves but rely on their meaning sometimes the smallest words have the greatest meaning
...isn't that deep. She is such a wise soul.
7/10/99
This Is Dedicated To The Girls Of The Night
Rock On 'Till The Break Of Light
So I am tripping my ass off and I'm with Kat. You need manners always
remember that! (Truly) You're not bugging. I hate cell phones they are so impersonal but I guess this is too. I always need to venture into myself. I forgot what I was saying-shrooms...Everyone is playing with their cell phones. You don't even know who you are really speaking to.
Hmmm...I feel bad for Lucie she's playing with her cell phone just to mimic everyone else.
Step outside...
Time is passing by...
Who are we really!
You stand with a gun to my head-
I'll never be dead-
I look at you and say...
"Pass the dutchie," with a smile, relax, stay awhile...
but you don't hear me. My life will never be the same.
7/10/99
The Morning After
Doing one of my favorite things this week...gathering quotes to use as mantras for my life. I have even come up with two I made all by myself...
Let me lead, follow me or get out of the way...
( I think that sums up my character)
& last but not least
I think we are all just searching for someone to listen
What do ya think?
I don't know who said all of these but does it matter its pure genius.
Don't go where the paths lead. Instead go where there is no path and leave a trail * When in doubt mumble * Ever feel so lost somewhere in the past? Is it wrong to hold on- if nothing ever lasts? * We write our destiny. We become what we do.* Never agree to surrender your dreams...The biggest temptation is to settle for too little. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing...Do Not Stop. * Always do what you are afraid to do, we never know who we are until we can see what we can do. * Have the courage to act instead of react. * Live to the point of tears * We have to dare to be
ourselves however frightening or strange that 'self' may prove to be. * The cards you hold in the game of life mean very little-it's the way you play them that counts. * Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out and get it! * If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars. * I can't imagine being
successful if I didn't give this game of life everything that I've got. * Let me win! But if I cannot win let me be brave in the attempt. * We must dare to think unthinkable thoughts. * I thought I saw what I knew but I never really knew what I saw. *As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. * Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings. * If you do not hope you will not find what is beyond your hopes. * Aim for success and not perfection. * Never give up your right to be wrong. * Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising everytime we fall.* Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered you will never grow. * You have the brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own and you know what you know. And you are the guy who will decide where to go. * It's time to move on, time to get going...what lies ahead, I have no way of knowing. Where do I go from here ...the future seems so unclear. * In the end I want to be standing at the beginning
with you. * It's nice to be important but important to be nice. * This is
not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is perhaps the end of the beginning...
ourselves however frightening or strange that 'self' may prove to be. * The cards you hold in the game of life mean very little-it's the way you play them that counts. * Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out and get it! * If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars. * I can't imagine being
successful if I didn't give this game of life everything that I've got. * Let me win! But if I cannot win let me be brave in the attempt. * We must dare to think unthinkable thoughts. * I thought I saw what I knew but I never really knew what I saw. *As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. * Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings. * If you do not hope you will not find what is beyond your hopes. * Aim for success and not perfection. * Never give up your right to be wrong. * Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising everytime we fall.* Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered you will never grow. * You have the brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own and you know what you know. And you are the guy who will decide where to go. * It's time to move on, time to get going...what lies ahead, I have no way of knowing. Where do I go from here ...the future seems so unclear. * In the end I want to be standing at the beginning
with you. * It's nice to be important but important to be nice. * This is
not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is perhaps the end of the beginning...
7/14/99
I got my feet on the ground but I don't go to sleep to dream. You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem. This mind, this body & this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I've got my own hell to raise.
So guess who's back? I swear people are dropping in right before I leave for Hawaii.
Samantha, yes that's right Samantha.
Samantha Jones who you haven't spoke to in almost 3 years.
Who you are still waiting to actually speak to...
I wonder how she looks, is she the same Samantha?
Samantha the reason why I am the person I am today : Carefree, anything goes, happy, loving, genuinely good.
Wow. Words cannot express how happy I am.
I'm coobelling, my heart is totally busting...having a clueless moment.
I'm getting over my cold.
Yeah!
But I actually liked being sick because I could be sick.
I know it sounds repetitive but there is a difference...
Trust me....
Samantha...
Call Me...
I'm a shadow boxer baybie and I want to be ready for what you do...
I got my feet on the ground but I don't go to sleep to dream. You got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem. This mind, this body & this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I've got my own hell to raise.
So guess who's back? I swear people are dropping in right before I leave for Hawaii.
Samantha, yes that's right Samantha.
Samantha Jones who you haven't spoke to in almost 3 years.
Who you are still waiting to actually speak to...
I wonder how she looks, is she the same Samantha?
Samantha the reason why I am the person I am today : Carefree, anything goes, happy, loving, genuinely good.
Wow. Words cannot express how happy I am.
I'm coobelling, my heart is totally busting...having a clueless moment.
I'm getting over my cold.
Yeah!
But I actually liked being sick because I could be sick.
I know it sounds repetitive but there is a difference...
Trust me....
Samantha...
Call Me...
I'm a shadow boxer baybie and I want to be ready for what you do...
|
Turning 7/18/99 As We Speak
Sometimes you just get the shitty bike - so deal. Hanging out with Kat shroomin' again. Just thought I'd check in...How's it going? |
Whole story behind this but I'm way too fucked up to explain now...
|
7/28/99
The True Art Of Memory Is The Art Of Attention
My new anthem is Back That Ass Up...
The True Art Of Memory Is The Art Of Attention
My new anthem is Back That Ass Up...
Girl you look good won't you back that ass up, You'se a fine motherfucker won't you back that ass up. And on a side note...Put the dick in the middle like Monie... Monie in the middle..WHERESHEAT!
(People who know me best know that I'm always kidding
and not to take me too seriously...
Look into my eyes...
am I serious?)
I hate Heather more and more everyday she's always laughing at me which
really hurts my feelings...and to top it all off she got a tattoo without me. Urgh! Can you believe it, even after she promised me.
Should have known better you can't trust a hood rat/pigeon!
7/29/99
Dancing Star
Nala is the cutest! Awww! Wish I could say the same about Heather but I
can't. I'm broke and lonely. I need another man- in my life. The countdown has begun, I have to be packed, get my plane ticket, get my student loans, say my goodbyes...which I think will be the hardest and leave. Sounds simple but it's not and I'm scared. Scared about being all alone, scared of everything...but...my excitement is so much stronger than my fear and that is the single thing motivating me to go.
I can't wait.
and not to take me too seriously...
Look into my eyes...
am I serious?)
I hate Heather more and more everyday she's always laughing at me which
really hurts my feelings...and to top it all off she got a tattoo without me. Urgh! Can you believe it, even after she promised me.
Should have known better you can't trust a hood rat/pigeon!
7/29/99
Dancing Star
Nala is the cutest! Awww! Wish I could say the same about Heather but I
can't. I'm broke and lonely. I need another man- in my life. The countdown has begun, I have to be packed, get my plane ticket, get my student loans, say my goodbyes...which I think will be the hardest and leave. Sounds simple but it's not and I'm scared. Scared about being all alone, scared of everything...but...my excitement is so much stronger than my fear and that is the single thing motivating me to go.
I can't wait.
Message To My Kids
Never be afraid to be or do anything
You can accomplish whatever you put your mind to
Home is where the heart is
&
it's wherever you make it
so never be afraid to leave home and journey to find who you are...
you can come back at anytime
Never be afraid to be or do anything
You can accomplish whatever you put your mind to
Home is where the heart is
&
it's wherever you make it
so never be afraid to leave home and journey to find who you are...
you can come back at anytime
8/2/99
The Good You Reap Is The Result Of Patience And Perspiration
Just read my horoscope and it says:
"What did you learn today?"
That's what a friend of mine says every time we get together.
It bugs me, frankly.
The idea that every single event in life must be some kind of lesson feels vaguely oppressive.
And yet in response to my friend's question, I often blurt out insights I
didn't realize I knew.
So pretend I'm going to call you after dinner for the next thirty days and ask, "What did you learn today?"
Maybe if you imagine someone will be testing you, you'll make the whole world your classroom.
Which would be just what the soul doctor ordered.
So...a year ago that whole Alfred scandal was just about to begin.
What have you learned?
To realize that everyone is not as sweet and genuine as they appear to be, you are just as important whether someone else thinks so or not.
You know who you are and you don't need anyone to tell you who you are or who they think you need to be.
That just because you believe someone is like you and enjoys your company doesn't mean that they actually do and doesn't mean that I need to be around them- just because I enjoy their company ie Heather.
Don't know what else to say about that so...no comment.
I'm going to Hawaii this month.
How crazy is that!
P.S. Everyone's homelife is unstable if it wasn't everyone would stay at
home.-Breakfast Club, love that movie.
Almost 8/6/99
People Suck! Liars Suck! This Sucks! Moving on... my new horoscope says:
For a long time, you have done your best to take care of your partner, friends, family members, or others around you.
This month, you will begin to realize how portraying the role of rescuer can, over time, turn out to be a thankless task.
The stars are currently encouraging you to say "Enough is enough" and to break any bonds or habits of dependency others have placed upon you or you upon them.
Maintaining your independent spirit and making others responsible for their own actions this month will set you free.
Hallelujah!
8/7/99
So I just got home at 10 o'clock AM from Tunnel which was wack. Not to
mention the fact that I threw up my 007 E's then we went to meet Larry at some house on 86th and Broadway. Larry introduces me to Roderic, so of course, since he's cute, we clicked and had fun.
Nothing big...kissing, touching, licking (yeah that) and I'm done because I'm not going to suck his dick the first time I meet him or ever for that matter-
well maybe but still I get up to leave and go home and guess who's stealing money from my bag...???
Lucie and fucking asshole Larry.
So I handle the situation like I normally do- get my money back and tell the person if they really need money all they had to do was ask me. I proceed to get my stuff when I should have kicked that little shits teeth in because Larry belts
"SLUT!"
"She's so stuck up with her nose in the air"
and he had the nerve to say I was trash.
Just because that little shit is jealous and thinks I fucked Roderic.
Let them think what they want.
They're trying to steal from me for their coke addiction...
fucking tweakers.
I don't know how Lucie can stand there and lie to my face and say she doesn't do coke and she's grinding her teeth down and feigning...
I tell you what, times like these make you just want to scream...
Subject change-
What should I do about this Roderic?
He's got a great body, thinks I'm sexy
(hopefully what he says is true),
and is just adorable in every way.
We're just going to have to work on him insisting that I suck his dick because
I DON'T SUCK DICK!
8/8/99
Lucie does coke now on the regular. I wish she never met Larry but shit
happens.
8/9/99
Going to meet Jason- hope I have fun. Called Roderic today but he didn't
pick up-oh well...he missed out on sex tonight.
8/10/99
I feel strange tonight. I can't really explain it. Came downstairs to smoke a joint after being in the house all day.
Roderic...
I know I shouldn't like him, I know he's probably no good for me...
or do I?
I don't know what I want right now...
Is it a friend (more and more of them seem to be getting on my nerves),
Is it a guy-and if it is what do I want from him anyway?
Sex, companionship, love, a listener...
I guess I want it all
-but right before I go to school;
it seems so unrealistic.
I just don't know, I've said a million times I'm just so lonely.
I mean I really am.
I feel like I have no one to talk to...
before I start crying let me light my joint...
O.K. much better...
no it's not but I do feel a little better now that I am smoking.
So what's the deal with this picture from the magazine.
The Good You Reap Is The Result Of Patience And Perspiration
Just read my horoscope and it says:
"What did you learn today?"
That's what a friend of mine says every time we get together.
It bugs me, frankly.
The idea that every single event in life must be some kind of lesson feels vaguely oppressive.
And yet in response to my friend's question, I often blurt out insights I
didn't realize I knew.
So pretend I'm going to call you after dinner for the next thirty days and ask, "What did you learn today?"
Maybe if you imagine someone will be testing you, you'll make the whole world your classroom.
Which would be just what the soul doctor ordered.
So...a year ago that whole Alfred scandal was just about to begin.
What have you learned?
To realize that everyone is not as sweet and genuine as they appear to be, you are just as important whether someone else thinks so or not.
You know who you are and you don't need anyone to tell you who you are or who they think you need to be.
That just because you believe someone is like you and enjoys your company doesn't mean that they actually do and doesn't mean that I need to be around them- just because I enjoy their company ie Heather.
Don't know what else to say about that so...no comment.
I'm going to Hawaii this month.
How crazy is that!
P.S. Everyone's homelife is unstable if it wasn't everyone would stay at
home.-Breakfast Club, love that movie.
Almost 8/6/99
People Suck! Liars Suck! This Sucks! Moving on... my new horoscope says:
For a long time, you have done your best to take care of your partner, friends, family members, or others around you.
This month, you will begin to realize how portraying the role of rescuer can, over time, turn out to be a thankless task.
The stars are currently encouraging you to say "Enough is enough" and to break any bonds or habits of dependency others have placed upon you or you upon them.
Maintaining your independent spirit and making others responsible for their own actions this month will set you free.
Hallelujah!
8/7/99
So I just got home at 10 o'clock AM from Tunnel which was wack. Not to
mention the fact that I threw up my 007 E's then we went to meet Larry at some house on 86th and Broadway. Larry introduces me to Roderic, so of course, since he's cute, we clicked and had fun.
Nothing big...kissing, touching, licking (yeah that) and I'm done because I'm not going to suck his dick the first time I meet him or ever for that matter-
well maybe but still I get up to leave and go home and guess who's stealing money from my bag...???
Lucie and fucking asshole Larry.
So I handle the situation like I normally do- get my money back and tell the person if they really need money all they had to do was ask me. I proceed to get my stuff when I should have kicked that little shits teeth in because Larry belts
"SLUT!"
"She's so stuck up with her nose in the air"
and he had the nerve to say I was trash.
Just because that little shit is jealous and thinks I fucked Roderic.
Let them think what they want.
They're trying to steal from me for their coke addiction...
fucking tweakers.
I don't know how Lucie can stand there and lie to my face and say she doesn't do coke and she's grinding her teeth down and feigning...
I tell you what, times like these make you just want to scream...
Subject change-
What should I do about this Roderic?
He's got a great body, thinks I'm sexy
(hopefully what he says is true),
and is just adorable in every way.
We're just going to have to work on him insisting that I suck his dick because
I DON'T SUCK DICK!
8/8/99
Lucie does coke now on the regular. I wish she never met Larry but shit
happens.
8/9/99
Going to meet Jason- hope I have fun. Called Roderic today but he didn't
pick up-oh well...he missed out on sex tonight.
8/10/99
I feel strange tonight. I can't really explain it. Came downstairs to smoke a joint after being in the house all day.
Roderic...
I know I shouldn't like him, I know he's probably no good for me...
or do I?
I don't know what I want right now...
Is it a friend (more and more of them seem to be getting on my nerves),
Is it a guy-and if it is what do I want from him anyway?
Sex, companionship, love, a listener...
I guess I want it all
-but right before I go to school;
it seems so unrealistic.
I just don't know, I've said a million times I'm just so lonely.
I mean I really am.
I feel like I have no one to talk to...
before I start crying let me light my joint...
O.K. much better...
no it's not but I do feel a little better now that I am smoking.
So what's the deal with this picture from the magazine.
|
That girl is gorgeous,
I mean there's something about her... her beautiful eyes (wish my eyes were that color), her cute perfect nose ( my nose is cute but...whatever), those lips...so juicy, full and succulent (guys say I have sexy lips but I'm not sure they're as nice as hers), her perfect skin ( I don't need to go on about how bad my skin is but it will be perfect soon. No blemishes I mean I do have soft, silky, wonderful skin don't get me wrong). The way her shirt is open... it begs for me to see more |
(my chest has a little bit more to do- get fuller and perkier; since the weight loss they look a bit deflated but as long as I do my exercises I'll be fine) and to top it off her spirally curly hair (it's my dream to get my hair like that and I will achieve it!),
and her teeth are perfect but I've thought long and hard and I love my gap.
I guess I can't be mad at her, it's not her fault that she was born beautiful. My point is that I will be able to look like her yet still be able to attain the qualities that make me, me.
So look out world-
Here I Come...
Cum...
Hopefully, if I ever find the right guy.
Back to the topic of my skin.
and her teeth are perfect but I've thought long and hard and I love my gap.
I guess I can't be mad at her, it's not her fault that she was born beautiful. My point is that I will be able to look like her yet still be able to attain the qualities that make me, me.
So look out world-
Here I Come...
Cum...
Hopefully, if I ever find the right guy.
Back to the topic of my skin.
I remember the week I got my first pimple...
It was an ordinary day and I was walking down the street.
A couple passed by holding hands,
staring into each others eyes obviously in love and maybe I was jealous,
I don't know...
but I thought to myself how can this girl be with this guy when her face is covered in pimples.
She repulsed me
and didn't feel she deserved to be with anyone
let alone this cute guy on her arm.
The whole process of me walking by them and thinking these thoughts lasted a couple of seconds
but has had a significant impact on my life.
Soon after I got my first pimple and it has spread to my
face, chest, shoulders and back.
It was an ordinary day and I was walking down the street.
A couple passed by holding hands,
staring into each others eyes obviously in love and maybe I was jealous,
I don't know...
but I thought to myself how can this girl be with this guy when her face is covered in pimples.
She repulsed me
and didn't feel she deserved to be with anyone
let alone this cute guy on her arm.
The whole process of me walking by them and thinking these thoughts lasted a couple of seconds
but has had a significant impact on my life.
Soon after I got my first pimple and it has spread to my
face, chest, shoulders and back.
I am truly sorry for what I thought then and I have learned my lesson. I am beautiful as well as inside and no matter how much makeup I put on the issue will still be there because it's about how I feel about myself. I will never be able to hide the ugliness I feel within until I deal with them head on. I doubt people really even care that much about blemishes. I mean, I still have friends, I'm vibrant, happy (most of the time), and popular. I've hooked up with only sexy guys, only a handful to count but still. Maybe I should stop wearing make-up and see how people treat me. I act as if I'm the ugliest thing walking because I have scars from old pimples. I can remember it like it was yesterday...was it the summer of 6th grade or maybe 5th...no...whatever...It's been ...1, 2, 3...no, 6th grade, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th...that's 7 years I have been ashamed...Don't know what to say about that except that when my kids get one pimple I am taking them to the dermatologist.
I love my middle elevator it is always waiting for me whenever I come home late and someone scratched fuck you into the wood but I Love You....
Friday The Fucking 13th of August '99
I am sitting here waiting for Samantha and Courtney, just realizing that
it's Friday the 13th. That's crazy! I was supposed to have sex with Roderic today but it's 10:25 and he went to the gym. I was also going to go to Speed but that costs $ which I don't have. Anyway waited fucking hours for trees - that's ridiculous but ok now that I've got it I wonder what I'm going to do tonight? The world is big and there's lots to do. It's drizzling a little but the wind is blowing so it feels...good. I'm going to quit smoking stoggs on Monday and I have to stick to it because I don't want to smoke in college because then I'll really be addicted. I should have brought my nail polish my nails are fucked up. I've been wearing red flowers in my hair
lately because I read my horoscope and it said vibrant red is my colour for the month of August. I don't even realize it anymore I just do it. How weird is that?!?
August 14th, 1999
I feel so weird...Just woke up at this guy Greg's house. Apparently I spent
the night and it's now 11:11... Make a wish...I wish I saw Roderic again...soon. I'm going to walk home the way Alfred and I used to...so I can finally put him behind me once and for all. I feel weird being here now, Greg is nowhere around and I think his brother just made breakfast...yet he
never said "Hi"...hmmmm...that's odd. I don't even know what time I fell
asleep. I don't even know what I'm still doing here..so I should leave. Rolled a joint to smoke on the way for old times sake. See ya later, alligator.
8/15/99
At J.T.'s house smoking joints and listening to Bob Marley
Phat!
These are the times of our lives.
8/17/99
Yuck! I have to go to the dentist today. It's not even the normal dentist I
go to-what am I to do? Jenelle leaves today for Virginia State. Tahirah and Heather left already. WOW! I leave in one week. My plan is to leave by the 27th. I'm going to Hawaii...can't even explain how excited I really am.
8/18/99
Found this post it at Lucies house with a stick figure screaming and the
words 'I'm Going Nucking Futs!!' written on it...it certainly sums up how I feel at the moment. I just came up with a rap...wanna hear it...here it goes... Smokin' all day everyday, don't know what else to say. Niggaz come up sayin' they wanna sleep with me, Could it be? Could he be the one Fuck outta here, son! I'm the right one. The real chick with the lips and eyes and oohhh....what about my mind. I'm kind and gentle, sometimes I can get a little mental. But I'm the boss. It's my world-ya heard. I'm layin' down the law. I'm comin' through like a hurricane. Stormin' all over with a whole lot a rain causin' destruction mixed with pain. But wait there's
another side-the right side-inside. No one ever sees..the inside...Within
the rings, through the surface...At the core...I am not a whore! What do you think?...Breaking News....This Just In....Just found out I got turned down for the Citi-Assists Loans for school. What am I to do? .....?......I am going. I am going. I am going. I am going! As a pick-me-up I decided to watch my favorite movie, Point Of No Return and it has some really good life lessons. Always smile when you walk into a room, it settles others
and is more pleasing to the face. Belief is half of being. If you believe
you're pretty others will to-you'll see. "I never did mind about the little things" when said with a smile can mask anger or fear.
What's worth doing is worth doing well. Let nothing embarrass you.
Sun in the sky,
you know how I feel.
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life for me and I'm feelin good...
I love my middle elevator it is always waiting for me whenever I come home late and someone scratched fuck you into the wood but I Love You....
Friday The Fucking 13th of August '99
I am sitting here waiting for Samantha and Courtney, just realizing that
it's Friday the 13th. That's crazy! I was supposed to have sex with Roderic today but it's 10:25 and he went to the gym. I was also going to go to Speed but that costs $ which I don't have. Anyway waited fucking hours for trees - that's ridiculous but ok now that I've got it I wonder what I'm going to do tonight? The world is big and there's lots to do. It's drizzling a little but the wind is blowing so it feels...good. I'm going to quit smoking stoggs on Monday and I have to stick to it because I don't want to smoke in college because then I'll really be addicted. I should have brought my nail polish my nails are fucked up. I've been wearing red flowers in my hair
lately because I read my horoscope and it said vibrant red is my colour for the month of August. I don't even realize it anymore I just do it. How weird is that?!?
August 14th, 1999
I feel so weird...Just woke up at this guy Greg's house. Apparently I spent
the night and it's now 11:11... Make a wish...I wish I saw Roderic again...soon. I'm going to walk home the way Alfred and I used to...so I can finally put him behind me once and for all. I feel weird being here now, Greg is nowhere around and I think his brother just made breakfast...yet he
never said "Hi"...hmmmm...that's odd. I don't even know what time I fell
asleep. I don't even know what I'm still doing here..so I should leave. Rolled a joint to smoke on the way for old times sake. See ya later, alligator.
8/15/99
At J.T.'s house smoking joints and listening to Bob Marley
Phat!
These are the times of our lives.
8/17/99
Yuck! I have to go to the dentist today. It's not even the normal dentist I
go to-what am I to do? Jenelle leaves today for Virginia State. Tahirah and Heather left already. WOW! I leave in one week. My plan is to leave by the 27th. I'm going to Hawaii...can't even explain how excited I really am.
8/18/99
Found this post it at Lucies house with a stick figure screaming and the
words 'I'm Going Nucking Futs!!' written on it...it certainly sums up how I feel at the moment. I just came up with a rap...wanna hear it...here it goes... Smokin' all day everyday, don't know what else to say. Niggaz come up sayin' they wanna sleep with me, Could it be? Could he be the one Fuck outta here, son! I'm the right one. The real chick with the lips and eyes and oohhh....what about my mind. I'm kind and gentle, sometimes I can get a little mental. But I'm the boss. It's my world-ya heard. I'm layin' down the law. I'm comin' through like a hurricane. Stormin' all over with a whole lot a rain causin' destruction mixed with pain. But wait there's
another side-the right side-inside. No one ever sees..the inside...Within
the rings, through the surface...At the core...I am not a whore! What do you think?...Breaking News....This Just In....Just found out I got turned down for the Citi-Assists Loans for school. What am I to do? .....?......I am going. I am going. I am going. I am going! As a pick-me-up I decided to watch my favorite movie, Point Of No Return and it has some really good life lessons. Always smile when you walk into a room, it settles others
and is more pleasing to the face. Belief is half of being. If you believe
you're pretty others will to-you'll see. "I never did mind about the little things" when said with a smile can mask anger or fear.
What's worth doing is worth doing well. Let nothing embarrass you.
Sun in the sky,
you know how I feel.
It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new life for me and I'm feelin good...
Sing on Nina...Sing on....
8/19/99
Just walked home from the dentist, 30 something and Madison, which is a
good 80 blocks...Who needs a gym in the city? Anyway, found out my teeth are rotting away. I can't eat any more candy...What am I going to do? I love it! I've already quit cigarettes, now I have to give up gum, lollipops, any candy you suck on; basically everything I love since I like to savour it. I really don't want to say this but...I'm not going to Hawaii. There's not enough money and I keep getting denied for loans because I have no credit established. Help! I haven't said it out loud and hope writing it won't count because I can't let it come true. Please...something...anything...HELP ME!!! Pretty please with sugar on top.....
8/21/99
I'm on the shuttle plane on my way to Washington, D.C. and I leave for
Hawaii on Sunday the 29th. I took all of my clothes to the laundry, all 50 lbs of it, a selection of 'delicates' to the cleaners and my shoes to the shoe maker.
Hope I have fun in Washington...
our nation's capital.
I've been so stressed and could use this break as a time to relax..
.let's hope.
Never know what to do on the plane. Sometimes I'm so antsy I can't sleep and there's nothing to read. If it's a long flight you get the enjoyment of a movie and some crappy food to break up the monotony but this ones going to be short.
Mmmmm.....
Found some inspirational phrases in the in-flight magazine and although repeated to death, they are quite true.
Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise; risking more than others think is safe; dreaming more than others think is
practical and expecting more than others think is possible.
Your attitude almost always determines your altitude in life.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
If you're not riding the wave of change...you'll find yourself beneath it. Coming together is a beginning...keeping together is progress...working
together is success.
Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to
attain uncommon results.
Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.
Remain steadfast...and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential.
Those who preserve their integrity remain unshaken by the storms of daily life. They do not stir like leaves on a tree or follow the herd where it runs. In their mind remains the ideal attitude and conduct of living. This is not something given to them by others. It is their roots. There is strength that exists deep within them.
The contents of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become.
Your integrity is your destiny...it is the light that guides your way.
Integrity is one of several paths, it distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path, and the only one upon which you will never get lost.
We must adjust to an ever changing road...while holding onto our unchanging principles.
Every obstacle is a stepping stone to your success.
This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, in its place is something you have left behind. Let it be something good.
8/22/99
Well I'm leaving Washington, on the plane as we speak or rather as I write.
Nice city, small and everything closes early but nice.
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
-there is such a strong presence there...
made me want to become a civil rights lawyer.
Mother was a little annoying but all in all it was a good trip. I have never sat at the back of an airplane, I usually wind up with a seat near the wing which makes me feel safe...
hope nothing happens...
I'll occupy my mind with more inspirational phrases...
What we can easily see is only a small percentage of what is possible.
Imagination is having the vision to see what is just below the surface, to picture that which is essential but invisible to the eye.
Successful is the person who has lived well, laughed often and loved much, who has gained the respect of children, who leaves the world better than they found it, who has never lacked appreciation for the Earths beauty, who never fails to look for the best in others and give the best of themselves.
Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with weak and wrong...
because sometime in your life you will have been all of these.
A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent.
In the end leaders are much like eagles. They don't flock you find them one at a time.
The greater the difficulty the greater the glory.
If you have courage to begin you have courage to succeed.
If you care enough for a result, you will most certainly attain it.
The road to success is always under construction.
Small minds are subdued by misfortune, but great minds rise above them.
Commitment is a line you cross...
it's the difference between wishing and doing.
Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.
I would love that line as my epitaph.
8/24/99
6 More Days!
Well, tomorrow's Kat's party. At her house right now reminiscing about the
summer and all the stuff you'll never remember because part of your brain is sleeping and trying to form...
but what can I say...
the drugs...
Live and live again.
8/24/99
5 More Days!
Hello.
Went to some dermatologist on 5th Avenue who's supposed to be so
good and came highly recommended.
Anyway, he only saw me for 2 minutes and barely looked at me before writing a prescription for some topical cream and pills.
Feeling a little skeptical but maybe now my skin will finally be free and clear of impurities.
Saw Dr. Grunfeld for the last time but he really didn't share the same emotion that I did.
I mean he's been my pediatrician since I was...
well, since I was born
and I feel I'll never have another doctor like that again.
Oh well...
I still love him and admire him as one of the exceptional MD's we have in this world.
Kat's party's today and I'm not sure I want to go.
Beth's going to be there and things ended so badly between us I don't know if there will still be tension.
I mean, it's not my fault that she lied to Kat about what she was really saying behind her back and it's not even my fault that Kat didn't believe me and called me a liar.
But I did finally prove to Kat that Beth was lying and she felt so betrayed by me, rightly so...
but...
I really want her to be my friend again, really I do.
But I can't stand when someone looks at me with hate in their eyes and I know that's what's going to happen.
Just walked home from the dentist, 30 something and Madison, which is a
good 80 blocks...Who needs a gym in the city? Anyway, found out my teeth are rotting away. I can't eat any more candy...What am I going to do? I love it! I've already quit cigarettes, now I have to give up gum, lollipops, any candy you suck on; basically everything I love since I like to savour it. I really don't want to say this but...I'm not going to Hawaii. There's not enough money and I keep getting denied for loans because I have no credit established. Help! I haven't said it out loud and hope writing it won't count because I can't let it come true. Please...something...anything...HELP ME!!! Pretty please with sugar on top.....
8/21/99
I'm on the shuttle plane on my way to Washington, D.C. and I leave for
Hawaii on Sunday the 29th. I took all of my clothes to the laundry, all 50 lbs of it, a selection of 'delicates' to the cleaners and my shoes to the shoe maker.
Hope I have fun in Washington...
our nation's capital.
I've been so stressed and could use this break as a time to relax..
.let's hope.
Never know what to do on the plane. Sometimes I'm so antsy I can't sleep and there's nothing to read. If it's a long flight you get the enjoyment of a movie and some crappy food to break up the monotony but this ones going to be short.
Mmmmm.....
Found some inspirational phrases in the in-flight magazine and although repeated to death, they are quite true.
Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise; risking more than others think is safe; dreaming more than others think is
practical and expecting more than others think is possible.
Your attitude almost always determines your altitude in life.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
If you're not riding the wave of change...you'll find yourself beneath it. Coming together is a beginning...keeping together is progress...working
together is success.
Teamwork is the fuel that allows common people to
attain uncommon results.
Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.
Remain steadfast...and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential.
Those who preserve their integrity remain unshaken by the storms of daily life. They do not stir like leaves on a tree or follow the herd where it runs. In their mind remains the ideal attitude and conduct of living. This is not something given to them by others. It is their roots. There is strength that exists deep within them.
The contents of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become.
Your integrity is your destiny...it is the light that guides your way.
Integrity is one of several paths, it distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path, and the only one upon which you will never get lost.
We must adjust to an ever changing road...while holding onto our unchanging principles.
Every obstacle is a stepping stone to your success.
This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, in its place is something you have left behind. Let it be something good.
8/22/99
Well I'm leaving Washington, on the plane as we speak or rather as I write.
Nice city, small and everything closes early but nice.
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
-there is such a strong presence there...
made me want to become a civil rights lawyer.
Mother was a little annoying but all in all it was a good trip. I have never sat at the back of an airplane, I usually wind up with a seat near the wing which makes me feel safe...
hope nothing happens...
I'll occupy my mind with more inspirational phrases...
What we can easily see is only a small percentage of what is possible.
Imagination is having the vision to see what is just below the surface, to picture that which is essential but invisible to the eye.
Successful is the person who has lived well, laughed often and loved much, who has gained the respect of children, who leaves the world better than they found it, who has never lacked appreciation for the Earths beauty, who never fails to look for the best in others and give the best of themselves.
Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with weak and wrong...
because sometime in your life you will have been all of these.
A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent.
In the end leaders are much like eagles. They don't flock you find them one at a time.
The greater the difficulty the greater the glory.
If you have courage to begin you have courage to succeed.
If you care enough for a result, you will most certainly attain it.
The road to success is always under construction.
Small minds are subdued by misfortune, but great minds rise above them.
Commitment is a line you cross...
it's the difference between wishing and doing.
Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.
I would love that line as my epitaph.
8/24/99
6 More Days!
Well, tomorrow's Kat's party. At her house right now reminiscing about the
summer and all the stuff you'll never remember because part of your brain is sleeping and trying to form...
but what can I say...
the drugs...
Live and live again.
8/24/99
5 More Days!
Hello.
Went to some dermatologist on 5th Avenue who's supposed to be so
good and came highly recommended.
Anyway, he only saw me for 2 minutes and barely looked at me before writing a prescription for some topical cream and pills.
Feeling a little skeptical but maybe now my skin will finally be free and clear of impurities.
Saw Dr. Grunfeld for the last time but he really didn't share the same emotion that I did.
I mean he's been my pediatrician since I was...
well, since I was born
and I feel I'll never have another doctor like that again.
Oh well...
I still love him and admire him as one of the exceptional MD's we have in this world.
Kat's party's today and I'm not sure I want to go.
Beth's going to be there and things ended so badly between us I don't know if there will still be tension.
I mean, it's not my fault that she lied to Kat about what she was really saying behind her back and it's not even my fault that Kat didn't believe me and called me a liar.
But I did finally prove to Kat that Beth was lying and she felt so betrayed by me, rightly so...
but...
I really want her to be my friend again, really I do.
But I can't stand when someone looks at me with hate in their eyes and I know that's what's going to happen.
|
Found a picture of a sexy latino, hot body in a magazine... and you know how I like my Puerto Rican men. He takes my breath away and I must have him! I MUST! I will not stop until I've met him or met his look-a-like. (Hopefully he'll be my husband and the father of my children.) Look at his body... Oh... My... God! It's going to be fun making the babies, kissing, caressing, and loving him... |
O.K. back to reality.
If I really want to be Beth's friend (Scratch that)
Do I really want to be Beth's friend?
I guess I'll know later today at the party...
but I think the answer is no.
If I really want to be Beth's friend (Scratch that)
Do I really want to be Beth's friend?
I guess I'll know later today at the party...
but I think the answer is no.
A creative breakthrough
enhances your self-esteem and opens new doors. A delicate balance of mind, body, and spirit makes a good marriage. Mantra: I am to Succeed. |
My horoscope says
I am the queen of pentacles. I am governed by the Earth and my attributes are that I am practical, steadfast, diplomatic, a good listener, family-oriented and a lover of beauty. New opportunities require fortitude and perseverance. Your charisma and focus on what must be done will help you rise to the occasion. It is full speed ahead- let your leadership qualities reign. |
8/26/99
3 More Days - 3 More Days - 3 More Days
So I spent the whole day inside packing and repacking the same suitcases,
attempting to make everything fit but it just won't. How do you condense 18
years of your life in 3 suitcases and one regulation carry on.
Got dressed and ready and surprise, surprise - no one to go out with;
sometimes I get so lonely that just thinking about it makes me cry...seriously. Crystal's with the same old people not really caring about me. Kat's well...Kat's Kat and Lucie just flew back yesterday and already has plans with all of the people who don't invite me to do anything...
Oh well, fuck them, they're the one's missing out! As soon as Lucie got back Kat was all over her; "...let's go here and do this..." not once mentioning me. Jealousy is a bitch and I really shouldn't be jealous, after all I am ME.
Weed is good...I was on the verge of tears and now I'm boosting myself up. I am my own best friend..
(kids learn how to be your own best friend ... I mean it's good to have reinforcements but always remain your own best friend, that way you'll never need to count on someone else to do anything for you-
Be responsible for every aspect of your life..)
I need to learn how to handle and control my emotions because to want to cry because you have to wait around an hour is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason for that at all..get it? Got it? Good!
I really hope Hawaii is amazing ..
It should be..
It will be and I'll love it and I'll come back this whole new person.
It's going to be wonderful
-you'll see.
My nose is stuffy from crying and I need to blow it, only question is...on what? Bet I can make a snot print...Eewee Weee Gross!
I know but it's just what I was thinking. Just walked to the red door stoop on 80th between 3rd and Lex to kill time. It's an hour later...you think they're done? I doubt it. Probably have to chill for another hour and a 1/2. So...what's....up?
Someone page me...
please....
now...!
Starting to drizzle...
be really funny if it just started to pour.
Actually no- it wouldn't be. Wonder where they went to eat? I hope some place close and quaint.
1/2 an hour past-can't take anymore! I've got to call and see what up now before I go crazy! The number one thing I hate more than anything is being alone when you want someone to talk to. It's drizzling harder and the book and I are getting wet....but wait...vibration...Who could it be? Now why didn't I feel that page earlier...oh well, another 1/2 an hour is about to go by. Maybe I should just go home...
3 More Days - 3 More Days - 3 More Days
So I spent the whole day inside packing and repacking the same suitcases,
attempting to make everything fit but it just won't. How do you condense 18
years of your life in 3 suitcases and one regulation carry on.
Got dressed and ready and surprise, surprise - no one to go out with;
sometimes I get so lonely that just thinking about it makes me cry...seriously. Crystal's with the same old people not really caring about me. Kat's well...Kat's Kat and Lucie just flew back yesterday and already has plans with all of the people who don't invite me to do anything...
Oh well, fuck them, they're the one's missing out! As soon as Lucie got back Kat was all over her; "...let's go here and do this..." not once mentioning me. Jealousy is a bitch and I really shouldn't be jealous, after all I am ME.
Weed is good...I was on the verge of tears and now I'm boosting myself up. I am my own best friend..
(kids learn how to be your own best friend ... I mean it's good to have reinforcements but always remain your own best friend, that way you'll never need to count on someone else to do anything for you-
Be responsible for every aspect of your life..)
I need to learn how to handle and control my emotions because to want to cry because you have to wait around an hour is ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason for that at all..get it? Got it? Good!
I really hope Hawaii is amazing ..
It should be..
It will be and I'll love it and I'll come back this whole new person.
It's going to be wonderful
-you'll see.
My nose is stuffy from crying and I need to blow it, only question is...on what? Bet I can make a snot print...Eewee Weee Gross!
I know but it's just what I was thinking. Just walked to the red door stoop on 80th between 3rd and Lex to kill time. It's an hour later...you think they're done? I doubt it. Probably have to chill for another hour and a 1/2. So...what's....up?
Someone page me...
please....
now...!
Starting to drizzle...
be really funny if it just started to pour.
Actually no- it wouldn't be. Wonder where they went to eat? I hope some place close and quaint.
1/2 an hour past-can't take anymore! I've got to call and see what up now before I go crazy! The number one thing I hate more than anything is being alone when you want someone to talk to. It's drizzling harder and the book and I are getting wet....but wait...vibration...Who could it be? Now why didn't I feel that page earlier...oh well, another 1/2 an hour is about to go by. Maybe I should just go home...
I am sooooooooooo sick of waiting around for....Nobody to come! (...and rescue me and take me in their arms-rescue me...) Plleeeeaaassssseeee! Take me to another place; help me understand this race; bring me to a common place so I don't have to use the mace...
8/28/99
I feel so strange...Waking up at Lucies and I have 1 more day. Went to the movies last night and saw Brokedown Palace…$9.50 that’s robbery just to see a movie…ever feel like you’re getting ripped off. Smoked another coolie (coolatta) but they don’t really have an effect on me. I’m just wasting Lucies’ coke so she won’t snort it all. Got to get my hair done, finish packing (Urgh!), go see Crystal and then go crazy. I should go out with a bang tonight, after all my hair is going to look so cute.
I feel so strange...Waking up at Lucies and I have 1 more day. Went to the movies last night and saw Brokedown Palace…$9.50 that’s robbery just to see a movie…ever feel like you’re getting ripped off. Smoked another coolie (coolatta) but they don’t really have an effect on me. I’m just wasting Lucies’ coke so she won’t snort it all. Got to get my hair done, finish packing (Urgh!), go see Crystal and then go crazy. I should go out with a bang tonight, after all my hair is going to look so cute.
I’m blue…Now listen up here’s the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him, inside and outside in his house with the blue little windows and a blue corvette and everything is blue for him and himself and everybody around ‘cause he ain’t got nobody to listen…I’m blue da ba de da ba di.
8/29/99
And there was none…Said my goodbyes (now 4:25…missed 4:20) hasn’t really hit me yet. Chilled with Lucie and did a little speed and coke…made my eyes open but my body ache and I’m tired…
Hey!
Guess what?...
That’s right, I’m going to Hawaii.
I’ll be there in 12 hours.
The day has come.
I’m going to college…
Wow!
I’m still a kid….
and I’ll stay that way forever.
And there was none…Said my goodbyes (now 4:25…missed 4:20) hasn’t really hit me yet. Chilled with Lucie and did a little speed and coke…made my eyes open but my body ache and I’m tired…
Hey!
Guess what?...
That’s right, I’m going to Hawaii.
I’ll be there in 12 hours.
The day has come.
I’m going to college…
Wow!
I’m still a kid….
and I’ll stay that way forever.
|
I remember when I wrote this...
seems like only yesterday but the day has come. I'm going to college... Wow! Talk to you later... on the plane. |
|
So I'm in Dallas Ft. Worth, TX waiting for the connecting flight to Honolulu. I'm almost there. Hopefully I won't fall asleep before the movie starts. I really want to see it and I get a window seat...feels like I've been waiting an eternity and there's still time before the plane's ready and then we have a 7 1/2 hour flight...Have fun!
