11-3-00
LIFE COULD BE A DREAM
Things are going so good + I don't want to jinx things by getting too happy-
but they are-
My relationship with Tina is getting better and better even though we haven't done anything - We haven't tried to label what we've become which is why I think things are going so well. We got a job in our building and it was like someone is trying to cut us some slack - give us a real break - we work @ our available hrs and everyday we make a little less than a hundred $ Halloween was incredible our costumes looked amazing. She was the vampirous/devil/mastress and I was her devilish/angelic/slave. We looked fabulous and I got to fulfill a part of my fantasy of being her slave and granting her every wish. I'm so kinky-
but they are-
My relationship with Tina is getting better and better even though we haven't done anything - We haven't tried to label what we've become which is why I think things are going so well. We got a job in our building and it was like someone is trying to cut us some slack - give us a real break - we work @ our available hrs and everyday we make a little less than a hundred $ Halloween was incredible our costumes looked amazing. She was the vampirous/devil/mastress and I was her devilish/angelic/slave. We looked fabulous and I got to fulfill a part of my fantasy of being her slave and granting her every wish. I'm so kinky-
Anyway...my art work is taking an incredible turn towards the sexual dark, devilish part of my soul-I think it's great-I'm finally able to communicate exactly what I'm seeing in my mind on paper - but it's a little scary too b/c do I really want people to see into the darker recesses of my mind and soul ?? It's dark, scary with an element of
s
h
e
e
r
HORROR!
Happy Thanksgiving! 😊 11-24-00
Well my mom is here and she cooked thanksgiving for all of my hungry friends. How sweet: I still can't believe how much stuff we cooked or how many people were here. Lynette said some wonderful things about who I am and where I'm going - which came at a time when I really need it most - still can't believe Peter is dead and gone. - I never even got to see him b4 it was too late and I knew something was going to happen - oh, well what can you do? - Well first and foremost enjoy every precious moment b/c you never know when it will be your last. Tell people how you feel b/c who knows if you'll have another chance - I don't want to believe he's really gone - the time we shared are now cherished memories that I will have to keep close to my ❤ and my innermost thoughts. Judging by the way things are going between my and the crazy fairy I'm not sure we're going to be friends all that long - I feel myself giving up and about 2 walk AWAY! what a shame! 😞
Well my mom is here and she cooked thanksgiving for all of my hungry friends. How sweet: I still can't believe how much stuff we cooked or how many people were here. Lynette said some wonderful things about who I am and where I'm going - which came at a time when I really need it most - still can't believe Peter is dead and gone. - I never even got to see him b4 it was too late and I knew something was going to happen - oh, well what can you do? - Well first and foremost enjoy every precious moment b/c you never know when it will be your last. Tell people how you feel b/c who knows if you'll have another chance - I don't want to believe he's really gone - the time we shared are now cherished memories that I will have to keep close to my ❤ and my innermost thoughts. Judging by the way things are going between my and the crazy fairy I'm not sure we're going to be friends all that long - I feel myself giving up and about 2 walk AWAY! what a shame! 😞
11-5-00
Life is just so funny! How could you not laugh... Just smoked some cronic and I'm really high. So - chillin at Mango's w/ Rebecca & Jivan having a good old time and you know what - things aren't as bad as they seem.
⭐ ⭐ ⭐THE NEXT DAY⭐ ⭐ ⭐
Sitting, laying - relaxing in the sun with Odd Vidar - why is it that I always have these revelations when I'm ensconced in the sun and all of HER glory... My feelings haven't changed for Tina despite what I may say - I'm head over heels in love w/ her and it scares me - it scares me b/c I don't think that she feels the same way or even as intensely as I do - I mean I want to marry her - spend the rest of "our" lives together and I'm only 19 - What if I'm wrong, what if she breaks me ❤ in 💔 I mean I'd be devastated but something keeps telling me to go on - not to be scared - and to just experience life w/ her - I want her soooo bad sometimes I could scream I'm getting to the point where I'm going 2 DEVOUR HER!
Life is just so funny! How could you not laugh... Just smoked some cronic and I'm really high. So - chillin at Mango's w/ Rebecca & Jivan having a good old time and you know what - things aren't as bad as they seem.
⭐ ⭐ ⭐THE NEXT DAY⭐ ⭐ ⭐
Sitting, laying - relaxing in the sun with Odd Vidar - why is it that I always have these revelations when I'm ensconced in the sun and all of HER glory... My feelings haven't changed for Tina despite what I may say - I'm head over heels in love w/ her and it scares me - it scares me b/c I don't think that she feels the same way or even as intensely as I do - I mean I want to marry her - spend the rest of "our" lives together and I'm only 19 - What if I'm wrong, what if she breaks me ❤ in 💔 I mean I'd be devastated but something keeps telling me to go on - not to be scared - and to just experience life w/ her - I want her soooo bad sometimes I could scream I'm getting to the point where I'm going 2 DEVOUR HER!
Happy Full 🌑 Moon! 12-11-00
Well as you can see I broke my heart ring - well only 1/2 of the heart came off so lets analyze what that means: It's time to give up on tina- well as of this morning DONE - next . . . well . . . that's weird- 1/2 of the ring comes off- I'm over tina- the left side broke off - my best side in my opinion- she was my #1 choice - It's like I gave 1/2 my heart to her and the other 1/2 w/ Simon - Maybe I should just be w/ Simon - I mean he's the right one - I guess - I hope - he still has the other 1/2 let's see what he does w/ it. Anyway - today feels weird - which is normal for full moons - I wrote 2 poems 2day and I think they're really good - I'm going to put them in the book. Hopefully simon still wants to help me -
12-17-00
Well Christmas is coming! . . . and I haven't sent one card or even attempted to buy any gifts. . . What am I to do? . . Oh, well! Today's not the day to think about that. Last night was . . . well, I don't exactly have words for it because I'm still in shock but the information definitely comes at a good time - if I was ever even still a little in "love" w/ tina -it's gone - I mean don't get me wrong I love her as a friend and I always will but as far as sexually - that's a definite No. . . and I can't even put any blame on her I mean - the reason she is the way she is - is because of her past and all of the things that have happened in her life. I wish things were different - but that's just me being selfish - It works for her - so why should I change who she is ? ? . . . Exactly! I love too quickly, what am I saying I love everyone! I really do - which is why I think I get so confused all the time on whether or not people really love me or really care. I'm a LOVING PERSON and I love that about me - I just wish that people could see that - maybe then they wouldn't take me for granted. Oh, well - what can you do - but live your life!
WHAT A RELIEF ! ! !
Well Christmas is coming! . . . and I haven't sent one card or even attempted to buy any gifts. . . What am I to do? . . Oh, well! Today's not the day to think about that. Last night was . . . well, I don't exactly have words for it because I'm still in shock but the information definitely comes at a good time - if I was ever even still a little in "love" w/ tina -it's gone - I mean don't get me wrong I love her as a friend and I always will but as far as sexually - that's a definite No. . . and I can't even put any blame on her I mean - the reason she is the way she is - is because of her past and all of the things that have happened in her life. I wish things were different - but that's just me being selfish - It works for her - so why should I change who she is ? ? . . . Exactly! I love too quickly, what am I saying I love everyone! I really do - which is why I think I get so confused all the time on whether or not people really love me or really care. I'm a LOVING PERSON and I love that about me - I just wish that people could see that - maybe then they wouldn't take me for granted. Oh, well - what can you do - but live your life!
WHAT A RELIEF ! ! !
Midnight [Actually December 25,-] December 24, 2000
Merry Fuckin' Christmas - I can't believe it's tomorrow - I feel bad leaving her all alone this is her 1st Christmas w/o me since I've been born - Am I just being really selfish - Is it selfish of me? . . . I mean I want to have 1 New Year and birthday away from home - doing what I want to do - I mean Fuck I'm going to be 20 yrs. old. I'm rolling hard core right now w/ Molenska chillin' w/ gay guys! This is the life!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas - I can't believe it's tomorrow - I feel bad leaving her all alone this is her 1st Christmas w/o me since I've been born - Am I just being really selfish - Is it selfish of me? . . . I mean I want to have 1 New Year and birthday away from home - doing what I want to do - I mean Fuck I'm going to be 20 yrs. old. I'm rolling hard core right now w/ Molenska chillin' w/ gay guys! This is the life!
Sooo, Baybie tomorrow's your Birthday! 12-26-00
------ How do you feel ? . . Completely changed, a better person than I ever was before - I mean I feel great! I'm happy - I'm still in love - w/ a wonderful woman - not too shabby for Me 😊 looking at my lucky cigarette - my last cigarette b/c I'm quitting tomorrow - and I'm never looking back
------ How do you feel ? . . Completely changed, a better person than I ever was before - I mean I feel great! I'm happy - I'm still in love - w/ a wonderful woman - not too shabby for Me 😊 looking at my lucky cigarette - my last cigarette b/c I'm quitting tomorrow - and I'm never looking back
true by spandau ballet is playing and I love this song
-thanx for playing it . . .
and looking out for me in general
-anyone reading this is going to think I'm coo-coo
-but I know people
-energy
-forces
-are moving in my direction, helping, guiding and leading me
-to what ? . .
remains a mystery
Only time will tell
-I know this much is true - this much is true
-thanx for playing it . . .
and looking out for me in general
-anyone reading this is going to think I'm coo-coo
-but I know people
-energy
-forces
-are moving in my direction, helping, guiding and leading me
-to what ? . .
remains a mystery
Only time will tell
-I know this much is true - this much is true
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY BAYBIE!!
last. . . cigarette! . . Make a wish 🌠
New Years Eve . . . December 31, 2000
I can't believe it's already next year - I mean 2001 - time just seems to fly by and I feel like someones pulling me forward and m'I always looking back - well today I start looking forward - living every day fully b/c you know what - b4 you know it, it's already yesterday. I've got so many dreams - and I want to accomplish all of them even down to the porn star dream and posing in playboy to becoming President. I mean I want to do it all - and I'm not kidding . . . ok . so let's organize your thoughts:
1. Stop searching for love, explore and indulge in every opportunity given to you - start fulfilling your fantasies
2. Be ready for playboy by the time I'm 21 👿
3. Go on the XXX vacation w/ Tina❤ in Mexico
4. Start weekly art shows, start a name 4 myself
5. Start [really] living Monique! b/c who knows when it will be over
❤ Luv Love
I can't believe it's already next year - I mean 2001 - time just seems to fly by and I feel like someones pulling me forward and m'I always looking back - well today I start looking forward - living every day fully b/c you know what - b4 you know it, it's already yesterday. I've got so many dreams - and I want to accomplish all of them even down to the porn star dream and posing in playboy to becoming President. I mean I want to do it all - and I'm not kidding . . . ok . so let's organize your thoughts:
1. Stop searching for love, explore and indulge in every opportunity given to you - start fulfilling your fantasies
2. Be ready for playboy by the time I'm 21 👿
3. Go on the XXX vacation w/ Tina❤ in Mexico
4. Start weekly art shows, start a name 4 myself
5. Start [really] living Monique! b/c who knows when it will be over
❤ Luv Love
O.K. O.K. STOP! . . . Already Happy New Year! 1/2/2001 😄
No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about her, touching her, licking her, looking into her eyes, having her smile (esp. at me), pleasing her, making all of her dreams/fantasies come true. I love you baby! Whenever I think of you I imagine us together. When I plan my future I picture her right by my side . . . but I wonder - I know that everything that has happened has been for a reason - I know the reason why my mind constantly brings her image forward is b/c I feel something special for her - something I don't feel for anyone else - It's so much more than just sex and I'm glad we've waited - even though it's been hard! Will you still love me after you know my secrets, fantasies, desires ? I'm scared no one will - I don't think anyone will be able to love the "real" me - I mean there are so many different sides of me from the total conservative mom to the hooker junkie on the street. I want to fulfill my fantasies b4 I'm too old - I'll want to be a good example to my kids - not saying I would be ashamed of what I did/am doing but it would be to learn more about myself and the only reason why I want to go into porn is to learn what I like, what feels good, how to please my mate and just have a great time doing it - by the time I'm in my mid 30's to 40's. I should already know that and be the "Ultimate Sex Master" (oooh I just love the way that sounds) which is why I want to start now . . . No fucking random guys - only people I'm comfortable w/. Beautiful Women - hopefully you would want to join in sooo . . . !
Do You Still LOVE me ?
No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about her, touching her, licking her, looking into her eyes, having her smile (esp. at me), pleasing her, making all of her dreams/fantasies come true. I love you baby! Whenever I think of you I imagine us together. When I plan my future I picture her right by my side . . . but I wonder - I know that everything that has happened has been for a reason - I know the reason why my mind constantly brings her image forward is b/c I feel something special for her - something I don't feel for anyone else - It's so much more than just sex and I'm glad we've waited - even though it's been hard! Will you still love me after you know my secrets, fantasies, desires ? I'm scared no one will - I don't think anyone will be able to love the "real" me - I mean there are so many different sides of me from the total conservative mom to the hooker junkie on the street. I want to fulfill my fantasies b4 I'm too old - I'll want to be a good example to my kids - not saying I would be ashamed of what I did/am doing but it would be to learn more about myself and the only reason why I want to go into porn is to learn what I like, what feels good, how to please my mate and just have a great time doing it - by the time I'm in my mid 30's to 40's. I should already know that and be the "Ultimate Sex Master" (oooh I just love the way that sounds) which is why I want to start now . . . No fucking random guys - only people I'm comfortable w/. Beautiful Women - hopefully you would want to join in sooo . . . !
Do You Still LOVE me ?
Hey. . . Guess What? 1/6/2001
Fantasy #1
I've been having the time of my life
-
I began eing @ 4:30 when Daniel called @ 12 eing too wanting 2 know if I wanted to. I immediately said "No." and then remembering my resolution decided to take mine so
-one of the best decisions I've made in a while
-I felt so great, sexual and irresistible
-Daniel wanted me so bad and I took every opportunity 2 tease him
-I gave him a massage and he said it was the 1st time 1 touch ever made him hard instantly
-and I didn't even touch his penis.
-anyway still feeling fabulous I went out w/ Molly lookin' hot and feeling sexy. All eyes were on me - wanting me - I met a beautiful french girl, I attacked 2 men, turned them both on to the point that they were begging me to stop and then took them home - all in all I'd say it was a crazy night. I'm kinda pissed at Tina - she sucked Daniel's dick and fucked him w/o getting hers. I mean he should have been eating for days, she should never have to suck his dick but I guess she wanted 2 - Can I make up for his stupidity? 😄💋
Fantasy #1
I've been having the time of my life
-
I began eing @ 4:30 when Daniel called @ 12 eing too wanting 2 know if I wanted to. I immediately said "No." and then remembering my resolution decided to take mine so
-one of the best decisions I've made in a while
-I felt so great, sexual and irresistible
-Daniel wanted me so bad and I took every opportunity 2 tease him
-I gave him a massage and he said it was the 1st time 1 touch ever made him hard instantly
-and I didn't even touch his penis.
-anyway still feeling fabulous I went out w/ Molly lookin' hot and feeling sexy. All eyes were on me - wanting me - I met a beautiful french girl, I attacked 2 men, turned them both on to the point that they were begging me to stop and then took them home - all in all I'd say it was a crazy night. I'm kinda pissed at Tina - she sucked Daniel's dick and fucked him w/o getting hers. I mean he should have been eating for days, she should never have to suck his dick but I guess she wanted 2 - Can I make up for his stupidity? 😄💋
Guess Who's In Love❣❣ or shall I say L-U-S-T! 1/10/00
So I've been up partying 4 @ 4 days straight and last night was a definite climax. I spent the night w/ Glenn. It was incredible! He held me all night, caressed my skin, took deep breaths of my hair, let me wear his favorite shirt, brought me breakfast in bed and took every opportunity 2 tell me how soft and sexy I am. He's amazing and has such beautiful eyes. I told Tina about him and she thinks it's great
-I guess she doesn't want me to be be lonely
-even though I'd rather be w/ her - Oh well, c'est la vie!
So I've been up partying 4 @ 4 days straight and last night was a definite climax. I spent the night w/ Glenn. It was incredible! He held me all night, caressed my skin, took deep breaths of my hair, let me wear his favorite shirt, brought me breakfast in bed and took every opportunity 2 tell me how soft and sexy I am. He's amazing and has such beautiful eyes. I told Tina about him and she thinks it's great
-I guess she doesn't want me to be be lonely
-even though I'd rather be w/ her - Oh well, c'est la vie!
1/28/01
So . . . I can't believe it - I bought a ring- and it's beautiful and as soon as I saw it I knew - I was really pissed at her earlier but I'm better + if this ain't love
So . . . I can't believe it - I bought a ring- and it's beautiful and as soon as I saw it I knew - I was really pissed at her earlier but I'm better + if this ain't love
Why does it feel so good?
I mean [5 mins later] she does so many great things but she knows exactly how to hurt me and how 2 get me where it hurts - and she wonders why I cry and throw fits and pout. She makes me feel like I'm on top of the world 1 min and then make me feel like the loneliest piece of shit in the world and I'm just sitting here wondering why - why I'm still pursuing this - I mean if she just wants 2 throw it all away then it's like they say, give me one reason 2 stay here b/c I'm about 2 turn right back @
- Fuck It! Fuck It! Fuck It! 👿
but I'm so lonely I don't Even Want 2 BE W/ MYSELF ANYMORE❣
I mean [5 mins later] she does so many great things but she knows exactly how to hurt me and how 2 get me where it hurts - and she wonders why I cry and throw fits and pout. She makes me feel like I'm on top of the world 1 min and then make me feel like the loneliest piece of shit in the world and I'm just sitting here wondering why - why I'm still pursuing this - I mean if she just wants 2 throw it all away then it's like they say, give me one reason 2 stay here b/c I'm about 2 turn right back @
- Fuck It! Fuck It! Fuck It! 👿
but I'm so lonely I don't Even Want 2 BE W/ MYSELF ANYMORE❣
I'll always be your love
See my eyes they carry your reflection
It's all right to make mistakes
Lie down next to me look into my eyes
I just want to feel deep in my own world
Look into my eyes and tell me what you're seeing
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
Take my hands if I'm runnin to you
Take my hand and show me where you're going?
Show me how it feels
So tell me what you're thinking
Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and tell me what you're feelin'
See my eyes they carry your reflection
It's all right to make mistakes
Lie down next to me look into my eyes
I just want to feel deep in my own world
Look into my eyes and tell me what you're seeing
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
Take my hands if I'm runnin to you
Take my hand and show me where you're going?
Show me how it feels
So tell me what you're thinking
Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you
Give your trust to me and look into my heart and tell me what you're feelin'
FUCK IT! FUCK ME? - FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS!
I feel like an "INDEPENDENT W👸🏽MAN" 2/8/01
➡ So . . . I finally called Tess - the beautiful personal trainer - and I have an appointment w/ her today. I'm on the road to my 20 goals for this year - I need to really focus on myself and not just say I'm going to - I'm feeling worse yet somehow manage to make other people feel better -
well . . . I physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually can't handle it anymore and I'm on the verge of really saying fuck it - if life is only a series of days and a majority of them are horrible - tell me -
WHAT"S THE POINT ? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED 2 DO ?
I need something - I feel like an open wound w/ Tina sometimes she tends to it and almost completely heals me and then when I'm least expecting it - scrapes it open leaving me 2 bleed to death - How dramatic! - but that's the way I feel - and if that's the way I feel then maybe I should change her from #1 to a close 2nd - to me that is - putting her b4 me only hurts me in the end b/c she's not ready for that type of relationship or she doesn't want it - Either way things have got to C - H - A - N - G - E !
➡ So . . . I finally called Tess - the beautiful personal trainer - and I have an appointment w/ her today. I'm on the road to my 20 goals for this year - I need to really focus on myself and not just say I'm going to - I'm feeling worse yet somehow manage to make other people feel better -
well . . . I physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually can't handle it anymore and I'm on the verge of really saying fuck it - if life is only a series of days and a majority of them are horrible - tell me -
WHAT"S THE POINT ? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED 2 DO ?
I need something - I feel like an open wound w/ Tina sometimes she tends to it and almost completely heals me and then when I'm least expecting it - scrapes it open leaving me 2 bleed to death - How dramatic! - but that's the way I feel - and if that's the way I feel then maybe I should change her from #1 to a close 2nd - to me that is - putting her b4 me only hurts me in the end b/c she's not ready for that type of relationship or she doesn't want it - Either way things have got to C - H - A - N - G - E !
2-24-26-01 I'm guessing
Full moon was yesterday
-
Explains a lot
-
tried to check myself in somewhere but someone has another plan
Starting Today
-
I WILL NOT CRY, BE SAD or get down
-
AGAIN
-
out at last
I DON'T let anyone see me get ⤵ b/c I'm afraid I can't pick myself back up
⬅ Again ➡
Full moon was yesterday
-
Explains a lot
-
tried to check myself in somewhere but someone has another plan
Starting Today
-
I WILL NOT CRY, BE SAD or get down
-
AGAIN
-
out at last
I DON'T let anyone see me get ⤵ b/c I'm afraid I can't pick myself back up
⬅ Again ➡
I NEVER DID MIND ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS
I L💗VE the Dalai Lama❣❣ 😊 3-14-01
Started reading the Art of Happiness and I swear - he's talking to me.
Realized - pretty badly - I might add that - Tina really doesn't want to be with me, she's not ready (not like I didn't say that b4) and forcing her only hurts the both of us. Went to North Shore - Jivan - Rebecca really cheered me up and I will always love them for that. Crystal, Jenelle, even Heather, have helped me refocus! Running away from Tina only makes me feel sadder and only makes me want to l💞ve her more. I don't know and I don't think I ever will. Hopefully I'll still be there when she finally says
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
and hopefully I'll still want to be with her.
Started reading the Art of Happiness and I swear - he's talking to me.
Realized - pretty badly - I might add that - Tina really doesn't want to be with me, she's not ready (not like I didn't say that b4) and forcing her only hurts the both of us. Went to North Shore - Jivan - Rebecca really cheered me up and I will always love them for that. Crystal, Jenelle, even Heather, have helped me refocus! Running away from Tina only makes me feel sadder and only makes me want to l💞ve her more. I don't know and I don't think I ever will. Hopefully I'll still be there when she finally says
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
and hopefully I'll still want to be with her.
3-25-01
I'M ALL TALK AND NO FUCKING ACTION!
I talk about change ⬅ and I don't do anything I simply keep forgetting the root of my problems. Had the best talk w/ Molly about Tina, how much I loved her, worried about her and wanted to be w/ her forever - But for some reason I'm the bad guy - I'm creating "Drama" because I love her and I don't know how to stop - How do you stop loving someone?
"You just don't."
How do you stop being in-love w/ someone?
"You just don't!"
- Well thanx Molly but that doesn't help when jealousy erupts and you're trying w/ your every being to just
LIFE ⬅ SHUT THE FUCK UP! ➡ SUXS
STOP FUCKING WITH ME! . . . please 😁 to all of you beings, energy, forces, etc . . . I feel you and I know you're just showing me the true meaning of life - to have fun and laugh - but it's all a little too much at once I mean the shit this morning, not being able to go to North Shore when that's all I've ever wanted, having no $, so I can't even eat, people giving me guilt trips for not coming home, losing movies when I don't have anymore $ (and being alone tonight - I don't deserve it it's hurting me more than helping - if I promise to laugh and have fun no matter what will you bring it down a notch.
Thanx luvy bye.
. . . ps . . you even almost choked to death, careful what you wish for especially dying because it just might come true
I'M ALL TALK AND NO FUCKING ACTION!
I talk about change ⬅ and I don't do anything I simply keep forgetting the root of my problems. Had the best talk w/ Molly about Tina, how much I loved her, worried about her and wanted to be w/ her forever - But for some reason I'm the bad guy - I'm creating "Drama" because I love her and I don't know how to stop - How do you stop loving someone?
"You just don't."
How do you stop being in-love w/ someone?
"You just don't!"
- Well thanx Molly but that doesn't help when jealousy erupts and you're trying w/ your every being to just
LIFE ⬅ SHUT THE FUCK UP! ➡ SUXS
STOP FUCKING WITH ME! . . . please 😁 to all of you beings, energy, forces, etc . . . I feel you and I know you're just showing me the true meaning of life - to have fun and laugh - but it's all a little too much at once I mean the shit this morning, not being able to go to North Shore when that's all I've ever wanted, having no $, so I can't even eat, people giving me guilt trips for not coming home, losing movies when I don't have anymore $ (and being alone tonight - I don't deserve it it's hurting me more than helping - if I promise to laugh and have fun no matter what will you bring it down a notch.
Thanx luvy bye.
. . . ps . . you even almost choked to death, careful what you wish for especially dying because it just might come true
3-21-00
I have the weirdest feeling that Tina is going to cut me loose 2day or is that just what I'm afraid of -let's just pray for the best
I interrupt this thought for another more imp. one
I desperately need to Fuck! No seriously, I do and I don't have anyone to fuck me the way I need to be fucked. I want to cum all day/night long and I want to enjoy every minute of it. So . . . that's my mission to find someone to fuck me the way I desperately need to be -
Please, Please, Please make my fantasies come true
ALL I WANNA DO IS . . . FUCK!!
Oooh, Yeah!
I have the weirdest feeling that Tina is going to cut me loose 2day or is that just what I'm afraid of -let's just pray for the best
I interrupt this thought for another more imp. one
I desperately need to Fuck! No seriously, I do and I don't have anyone to fuck me the way I need to be fucked. I want to cum all day/night long and I want to enjoy every minute of it. So . . . that's my mission to find someone to fuck me the way I desperately need to be -
Please, Please, Please make my fantasies come true
ALL I WANNA DO IS . . . FUCK!!
Oooh, Yeah!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAYBIE 4-15-06
So yet another crazy night w/ tina -
this time celebrating her 24th
Man - I can't even imagine where
I'd be right now if I didn't
follow my Impulses - really
awake right now and I can't
go to sleep - woa is me
---------Morning After---------
I'm pissed not just pissed but really
hurt - I do everything and anything and still always end up shafted + I can't take it anymore. I asked T if she could call me when she sparked her joint - but of course she didn't others are always more important than me - well that's just not the way I feel and her thinking that's cool, Monique will just understand - is just plain fucked up - it's not even the point of the joint just the fact that she didn't even think of me - which suxs but I guess that's just my fucked up life - Being positive is so hard - how can you remain positive when you try to do everything for everyone but then again it's always my choice - Why can't I just be happy, it seems like I have to pretend all of the time and everyone expects me to remain happy
24 FUCKING HOURS A DAY -
I TRY TO THINK/REMAIN POSITIVE - 😄
and that's just not possible - I don't want to pretend and I don't want to act like I'm all roses and sunshine when I just feel like speaking my mind and saying how I really feel inside -
lost , scared , desperate . . .
I don't know how I feel about anything anymore - I wish every thing could be so simple and I got what I deserved - I mean if hard work is supposed to pay off then why doesn't it for me - ever - I'm always the one sacrificing - saying oh that's ok - you forget about me, abandoned me and don't really care about how I feel or what I really need - I'm sick and tired of taking a backseat to everyone else just b/c I understand how they feel - when will someone understand me - Maybe never - who knows - who cares - I apparently don't - Fuck, what can I possibly do to cheer myself up - get the fuck out of a desperately twisted situation where no one wins. I guess my biggest problem is that - I don't want to be forgotten - I try so hard and - I don't know I just feel like the Hurt I never can put forth - such is life and so are the people I'm feeling left behind - slowly left alone in the sadness of what was - creeping slowly as everyone moves past me never taking the time to slow down and smile and see Me as I walk on by
So yet another crazy night w/ tina -
this time celebrating her 24th
Man - I can't even imagine where
I'd be right now if I didn't
follow my Impulses - really
awake right now and I can't
go to sleep - woa is me
---------Morning After---------
I'm pissed not just pissed but really
hurt - I do everything and anything and still always end up shafted + I can't take it anymore. I asked T if she could call me when she sparked her joint - but of course she didn't others are always more important than me - well that's just not the way I feel and her thinking that's cool, Monique will just understand - is just plain fucked up - it's not even the point of the joint just the fact that she didn't even think of me - which suxs but I guess that's just my fucked up life - Being positive is so hard - how can you remain positive when you try to do everything for everyone but then again it's always my choice - Why can't I just be happy, it seems like I have to pretend all of the time and everyone expects me to remain happy
24 FUCKING HOURS A DAY -
I TRY TO THINK/REMAIN POSITIVE - 😄
and that's just not possible - I don't want to pretend and I don't want to act like I'm all roses and sunshine when I just feel like speaking my mind and saying how I really feel inside -
lost , scared , desperate . . .
I don't know how I feel about anything anymore - I wish every thing could be so simple and I got what I deserved - I mean if hard work is supposed to pay off then why doesn't it for me - ever - I'm always the one sacrificing - saying oh that's ok - you forget about me, abandoned me and don't really care about how I feel or what I really need - I'm sick and tired of taking a backseat to everyone else just b/c I understand how they feel - when will someone understand me - Maybe never - who knows - who cares - I apparently don't - Fuck, what can I possibly do to cheer myself up - get the fuck out of a desperately twisted situation where no one wins. I guess my biggest problem is that - I don't want to be forgotten - I try so hard and - I don't know I just feel like the Hurt I never can put forth - such is life and so are the people I'm feeling left behind - slowly left alone in the sadness of what was - creeping slowly as everyone moves past me never taking the time to slow down and smile and see Me as I walk on by
YOU ARE A SPAZ!!
4-25-01
Just realized that - I have been completely fucking myself - people do like me - the reason why I try so hard and do so much is because I have an overwhelming fear of being forgotten, left behind, alone - I overcompensate in everything I do - now that I have realized ✨finally✨ - this crippling achilles heel - I can take steps to working towards just being me - not worrying about the future and what will happen + breathe girl - the past is the past - move on not every person I meet is going to leave me and not every person I meet is going to stay (make sense) I hope so - just a little high
Anyway I just feel bad I screwed up w/ T she was right about it all - In the beginning I was me and she loved it - which scared me into thinking she was going to leave - hence all of my actions to date -I hope she can see the changes - thru time our friendship will show how strong our bond really is. -Deep! 😁
4-25-01
Just realized that - I have been completely fucking myself - people do like me - the reason why I try so hard and do so much is because I have an overwhelming fear of being forgotten, left behind, alone - I overcompensate in everything I do - now that I have realized ✨finally✨ - this crippling achilles heel - I can take steps to working towards just being me - not worrying about the future and what will happen + breathe girl - the past is the past - move on not every person I meet is going to leave me and not every person I meet is going to stay (make sense) I hope so - just a little high
Anyway I just feel bad I screwed up w/ T she was right about it all - In the beginning I was me and she loved it - which scared me into thinking she was going to leave - hence all of my actions to date -I hope she can see the changes - thru time our friendship will show how strong our bond really is. -Deep! 😁
It sucks not having a watch - don't know the date 5 - ? - 01
or time but who cares 😁
Schools over . . . took my last final and that's it - I'm done! Besides I don't think I could have gone any longer - I dropped my writing class and all I had to do was finish a paper - Oh well, I guess that was just my rebellious side - Anyway - Now I can
DO WHAT I WANT ➡ SKOOL'S OUT 4 SUM
WELL I CAN FINALLY SAY It kind of hurts . . . 😞
(by the way it's the 4th) I'm over being "in love w/ Tina" - I really do just want to be her friend and shouldn't have gotten caught up in what I thought I saw . . . Anyway I also realize I don't want to go to an academic school - Art only ! . . Then on to the teaching degree - I'm beginning to feel . . . hopeful that I WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN . . . I mean don't get me wrong I have my moments but overall - I feel this wonderful change - still disappointed in myself I feel like I failed - 2 years gone but I shouldn't look at it like that - I'm discovering this wonderful suppressed talent - I want to show the world Beauty and teach them how to love - I made it - moved away and made new friends - who I have to start really cherishing - I feel the wind shifting and I know my time here is short - just look how 2 years flew by - I need to show Tina that all of that bad we shared brought us to a whole nother level something wonderful - I just hope I don't fuck up w/ her anymore - I'd hate 4 her to turn her back on me - I think I have been healing my soul and I thought it was dead - still alive and thriving - I must say a big thank you to all of the faeries, special beings, wondrous magical spirits - you have all helped me and made me realize so much esp. thru dance - You help me (feel this wonderful feeling inside like waves of joy - must be you - 😊) everyday in every way. Special thanx to Tina 4 opening up the special world of fairy's - you'll never know how much they mean to me - somehow I know they, were always there - watching over - guiding - maybe that's how we find each other . . . I will
ALWAYS LOVE 👧🏻 YOU no matter what happens 😄
or time but who cares 😁
Schools over . . . took my last final and that's it - I'm done! Besides I don't think I could have gone any longer - I dropped my writing class and all I had to do was finish a paper - Oh well, I guess that was just my rebellious side - Anyway - Now I can
DO WHAT I WANT ➡ SKOOL'S OUT 4 SUM
WELL I CAN FINALLY SAY It kind of hurts . . . 😞
(by the way it's the 4th) I'm over being "in love w/ Tina" - I really do just want to be her friend and shouldn't have gotten caught up in what I thought I saw . . . Anyway I also realize I don't want to go to an academic school - Art only ! . . Then on to the teaching degree - I'm beginning to feel . . . hopeful that I WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN . . . I mean don't get me wrong I have my moments but overall - I feel this wonderful change - still disappointed in myself I feel like I failed - 2 years gone but I shouldn't look at it like that - I'm discovering this wonderful suppressed talent - I want to show the world Beauty and teach them how to love - I made it - moved away and made new friends - who I have to start really cherishing - I feel the wind shifting and I know my time here is short - just look how 2 years flew by - I need to show Tina that all of that bad we shared brought us to a whole nother level something wonderful - I just hope I don't fuck up w/ her anymore - I'd hate 4 her to turn her back on me - I think I have been healing my soul and I thought it was dead - still alive and thriving - I must say a big thank you to all of the faeries, special beings, wondrous magical spirits - you have all helped me and made me realize so much esp. thru dance - You help me (feel this wonderful feeling inside like waves of joy - must be you - 😊) everyday in every way. Special thanx to Tina 4 opening up the special world of fairy's - you'll never know how much they mean to me - somehow I know they, were always there - watching over - guiding - maybe that's how we find each other . . . I will
ALWAYS LOVE 👧🏻 YOU no matter what happens 😄
THESE ARE THE DAYZ OF YOUR LIFE!
. . . so live it up! Say yes to everything 5-9-01
and no to whatever YOU want. Chillin on the beach, once again at peace, funny how the simplest things can quiet a troubled mind. life is good It really is believe it or not (to all of you skeptics) I've learned so much this year and because of all the pain I've felt and the tears I've shed I'm ♻
completing myself and learning how to conquer my greatest fear - being alone - the world or shall I say reality - is so fucked up - I'm going to make my own reality my own rules for my game after all this is my life
On a whole different note - Tina's going away for @ a month - I'm going to miss her sooo much but you know something I'm a little glad that I'm not going we need the time apart - so we can come together again and you know what I still mean the whole thing about me not being w/ her - besides we're better as just friends - I honestly don't even want to be w/ her sexually
. . . so live it up! Say yes to everything 5-9-01
and no to whatever YOU want. Chillin on the beach, once again at peace, funny how the simplest things can quiet a troubled mind. life is good It really is believe it or not (to all of you skeptics) I've learned so much this year and because of all the pain I've felt and the tears I've shed I'm ♻
completing myself and learning how to conquer my greatest fear - being alone - the world or shall I say reality - is so fucked up - I'm going to make my own reality my own rules for my game after all this is my life
On a whole different note - Tina's going away for @ a month - I'm going to miss her sooo much but you know something I'm a little glad that I'm not going we need the time apart - so we can come together again and you know what I still mean the whole thing about me not being w/ her - besides we're better as just friends - I honestly don't even want to be w/ her sexually
Who knows 😁 Who cares - 5 - ? - 01
Chillin' w/ Jen - spent the day shopping and talking - everything is wonderful despite being lonely w/o Tina - Really miss her b/c I haven't talked to her at all but I guess she's just having too much fun. Got a job interview at the candle place Charlie recommended - I hope I get it - I need a job so- bad it's not even funny - I have $30 in the bank - Can we say Broke - getting thinner and thinner - and I hate it - Will I ever be happy in my own skin? Been getting so many booty calls and guess who else called - ? - Glen, I'm surprised he still remembers my # but then again who am I kidding - I need or should I say I should call him and let him please me - nobody else I want to does - Why not? -
Friday 😈
Chillin' w/ Jen - spent the day shopping and talking - everything is wonderful despite being lonely w/o Tina - Really miss her b/c I haven't talked to her at all but I guess she's just having too much fun. Got a job interview at the candle place Charlie recommended - I hope I get it - I need a job so- bad it's not even funny - I have $30 in the bank - Can we say Broke - getting thinner and thinner - and I hate it - Will I ever be happy in my own skin? Been getting so many booty calls and guess who else called - ? - Glen, I'm surprised he still remembers my # but then again who am I kidding - I need or should I say I should call him and let him please me - nobody else I want to does - Why not? -
Friday 😈
So today is the day! Aloha Friday 5/01
job interview at the candle/soap store - I really hope and pray that I get it. Will I follow thru w/ Glenn - who knows, I have a few hours to decide. Tina still hasn't called - I hope she's not mad about the postcard - anyway she's having too much fun - Why would she call me?
Waiting 4 my job interview - please let me get it - What am I going to do 2nite something wild and crazy no doubt - My one goal is to get a really great, unbelievable kiss - from who, who knows? Choices are or should I say main choice is Christian or Glenn. Had a great time at the beach w/ Lono and I'm a tanned beauty - maybe I can get a tanned hottie
- we'll see 👀 🖤
job interview at the candle/soap store - I really hope and pray that I get it. Will I follow thru w/ Glenn - who knows, I have a few hours to decide. Tina still hasn't called - I hope she's not mad about the postcard - anyway she's having too much fun - Why would she call me?
Waiting 4 my job interview - please let me get it - What am I going to do 2nite something wild and crazy no doubt - My one goal is to get a really great, unbelievable kiss - from who, who knows? Choices are or should I say main choice is Christian or Glenn. Had a great time at the beach w/ Lono and I'm a tanned beauty - maybe I can get a tanned hottie
- we'll see 👀 🖤